Sex positive is a funny way to describe someone. However, I have been described as such many times over. (Does that mean that other people are sex negative? That seems like a much less desirable distinction.) When I decided to Wikifuck the phrase, I read this: “The sex-positive movement is a social movement which promotes and embraces sexuality with few limits beyond an emphasis on safe sex and the importance of consent.” Fair enough, I’ll be that. Whenever you love something, you must find a safe way to do the thing for the sake of longevity. Athletes must execute their sport of choice safely lest they find themselves injured. Lovers of sex must practice safely lest they find themselves with (as my Dad so eloquently states) “some shit that Gawd can’t even cure.” Do you know what a dental dam tastes like? Do you know the best place to buy your favorite brand of condoms for a lower price than the major drug stores? (Hint: Amazon Prime sells them and you’ll probably pay half the price.)
My sexual self turned 21 about a month ago. That is to say, I’ve been having sex for 21 years. On August 14th, 1993, Michelle* [*-Not her real name.] and I made the beast with two backs. We made sweet love. We did the horizontal splash dance. Well, you get the idea. After 21 years of sex, does that make me an expert? Far from it. I’m still learning with each new partner. Recently, I’ve secured an assistant (more on that later) and I’ve started to learn about the proper ways to tie wrists with rope, stimulate the g-spot to help a woman squirt, and I’ve (finally) started to heed Prince’s advice. “We don’t have to make love to have an orgasm.” -Prince [If I Was Your Girlfriend, c. 1987]
Back in 1993, I was so excited to try out what I’d seen in porn that I turned on the jackhammer switch in my hips and just went to town focused on my own pleasure. I began to wonder more about how different women would respond to my jackhammer. I began a conquest to bang my way through high school and college. And bang I did. I banged harder than the bridge on “Love Shack”.
Then, came the first time that I hurt a woman’s feelings. I said something too horrible to type here. She cried and I started to learn the importance of finesse within a physical relationship. I’ve always been an empathetic being. I’ve always felt what others have felt (to varying degrees based on how close I was with the person). But, in my jackhammer days my empathy was purely physical. As I matured, I began to care more about her emotional pleasure and I derived pleasure from her excitement.
Fast forward to present day. When I was in the market for an assistant I surveyed my platonic (and romantic) female friends about their favorite sex toys. When a few men got wind of this survey of mine, some were perplexed. “Why would you (a man) need a vibrator?”, they wondered. “Weren’t you born with everything that you need to satisfy a woman?”, they implied. Sure. I have all of my body parts. But, satisfying a lover isn’t always that simple. (Even if it is that simple, there’s a good chance that she’ll welcome the extra stimulation.) There are so many tools that can be used to pleasure each other. I think it would be foolish to ignore something for the sake of insecurity. I find it interesting talking to cisgender men with limited sex life experience. (Cisgender-denoting or relating to a person whose self-identity conforms with the gender that corresponds to their biological sex.) The list of sexual experiences that they fear reads like a list of standard protocol to the people in my life. From what I hear, there are some men in middle america (Ohio) that still deem it taboo to perform oral sex on a woman. I shit you not, some men view it as a sign of weakness to eat pussy. We have failed as a society!
FTR, I purchased the Lelo Smartwand… in the Noir finish, of course!
I haven’t had a girlfriend since 2012. Of course, I’m referring to the traditional variety. I practice polyamory (aka ethical non-monogamy) and it’s always interesting attempting to explain that to my very Christian family members. I spent years as a serial monogamist, searching for a wife. I was looking for EVERYTHING that I wanted in a partner in one person. That created a lot of stress and disappointment due to unfair expectations. When my last relationship ended, I decided that I was 100% done with relationship arguments. Since I’ve embraced a polyamorous lifestyle, I haven’t had any of those old standby relationship arguments. Being polyamorous has taught me to be a more open and honest communicator, a more sensitive lover (because I’m connecting with very different personalities which ensures that I’m present in the moment when I’m with someone), and most importantly polyamory has helped me to enjoy the person I’m with as she is instead of how I want/hope her to be. I no longer expect EVERYTHING I want in a partner to come from one woman. It’s quite freeing. I’m not writing all of this to convince any reader to adopt polyamory. It’s not for everyone. However, I do hope that you’ve learned some of the things that I’ve learned over the past 21 years.
In the past 21 years, I’ve learned that sex is much more than just physical. Eye contact and conversation can combine to form a potent aphrodisiac. I’ve learned that human beings are not a monogamous species. If you disagree, recognize the difference between what society tells us to do (get married, have kids, watch the cycle repeat) and what we actually do (cheat, lie, leave relationships). I’ve learned that celebrating the fifth anniversary of my friend’s marriage means more to me than some ostentatious wedding ceremony that will cost more than a down payment on the couple’s house (and will end in four years or less). I’ve learned that words can hurt when a person has opened their heart to you. I’m certain to think before I speak these days. I’ve learned that Batman has Robin for a reason. I enjoy bringing my assistant to the party. Most importantly, I’ve learned that sex is NOT all about my penis.
Some of you may have heard me talk about my mother’s advice : That which you are willing to do for free should be your career. Well, I’ve often considered becoming a sex therapist. Spending time helping individuals or couples with sexual pleasure is something that I would do for free! Perhaps I’ll repurpose my Kinesiology degree and focus on a different type of cardiovascular endurance. We’ll see. In the meanwhile, here’s to another 21 years of doing the sex.