Never Nudes Go Home (or) The Necessity Of Nudity In The Now

Good Morning!

I hope that you’re naked while reading this. It’s Sunday Morning, you’re at home, relaxing, you rolled over just to read the Jet Set Weekly, why not be naked? More on that later. When people ask about what influenced me to perform burlesque, I have a stock answer. “I grew up in a naked house that was filled with all sorts of music”, I tell them. My parents weren’t nudists. But, they certainly didn’t shy away from being nude. My Pop would often walk from the shower to the bedroom whilst drying off his nuts. Nudity was never a weird thing. We were never conditioned to be ashamed of our bodies. Our parents always made sure that we felt loved and when I was teased by other kids my age because of my dark skin or big nose, my Mom taught me the mantra of “Fuck ’em!” We (my brother and I) have always been secure about our looks whether clothed or not. It’s for that reason that I enjoy being naked. Sometimes that enjoyment takes the form of my being 90% naked on a burlesque stage or 100% naked at home (within 10 minutes of closing the door behind me).

The most magical time for nudity is during an event I created called Naked Camp. In August 2012, I took a solo trip up to Harbin Hot Springs to just be naked and alone for my birthday. I couldn’t imagine a better way to clear my head and reset my spirit. By the time the trip had ended, I decided that the next year I’d go with friends. I put some feelers out (i.e. I posted a FB status update) and three friends got on board to travel with me. One of them suggested a different (less popular, family-owned) hot spring getaway. So, the four of us went there instead. (Don’t worry about where “there” is, just know that it shall be referred to as “Naked Camp” for the remainder of this post.) I’ve gone to Naked Camp with a revolving cast of friends on three separate trips now. I’ve created some rules (for lack of a better word) to ensure that Naked Camp is still the peaceful reset button that I seek. To avoid derailing this post, I won’t list all of the rules. But, I will list the rule that was the catalyst for this post. No never nudes allowed. On one of our trips, Naked Camp 2, there was a never nude wearing a sun dress and a sweater. Let me be clear, at a clothing optional resort someone wore a dress AND a goddamned sweater… in AUGUST… in (inland) California where the average temperature is 89+ in the shade. Do I even need to type W-T-F or have you already said it out loud? Well, we were all annoyed at the never-nude throwing off the vibe of everyone else’s nudity.

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It’s worth mentioning… For those of you unfamiliar with the pop culture reference, a never nude is (and this is the distilled definition) an insecure person. Now, before any Psychologists (amateur or professional) get up in arms, I’d like to acknowledge that never nudity is an actual phobia by the name of Gymnophobia (not to be confused with Gynophobia-talk about derailing a post with a typo). Now that you’re up to speed on never nudity, back to the post.

There are clothing optional beaches here in California that are open to the public. Many people frequent these sands and enjoy the ocean with/without clothes and no one gives a shit. Then there are private resorts that require a reservation and a fee to gain access to a safe place where one can be naked and not have to worry about the oddballs (e.g. public wankers). That’s the beauty of Naked Camp, we can make a reservation and pay a fee to be free in this space. That begs the question, why would you pay the money (the place ain’t cheap) and drive the distance (very few people live near Naked Camp) to arrive at a clothing optional resort only to wear a muhfuckin sweater!? Why?

Well, there’s a good chance that the person has some sort of anxiety over sexuality and their own physical appearance. The truth is, they could have a 3-page list of shit that causes anxiety. Hell, their Therapist may have even recommended they visit a Naked Camp in order to conquer their phobia. Well, I’m sorry, I didn’t volunteer to be a part of your healing process. Go and be clothed elsewhere. “Jet, you’re being a dick, what about compassion for those that are healing!?” Everyone at Naked Camp is healing. I don’t want to see you bundled up in a sweater at Naked Camp anymore than you want to see my wang hanging free in a Safeway. San Francisco recently banned public nudity. No problem, “we’ll go to a Naked Camp”, say the nudists. While I understand the difference between clothing optional resorts and nudist colonies, I’d like to invite all never nudes to turn their Gymnophobic asses around and go home! That means you, Bro in the Gap shorts. A comedian (I think it was George Wallace?) once joked about catching a handicapped person parking in one of “our” spots and then kicking his ass because of it. A never nude has the best options possible for laying next to water (you read that right, many of the never nudes don’t even get into the goddamned hot springs they drove so far to reach). So, with all of those clothing required options, why come to my church?

This post was fueled by the rage at reading the following article on the Bold Italic. To be clear, the article wasn’t intended to make anyone angry. But, I was annoyed that such an article even needed to be written. This post is my response to that article. Here’s an excerpt from the article:

“Vichy [Springs] proprietor Gilbert Ashoff offered this empowering never nude mantra for hot springs resorts: “One is no closer to nirvana with or without a bathing suit.” Vichy requires bathing suits.”

So, if you’re reading this (and you’re a never nude), head to Vichy Springs. They require a bathing suit and they also like to use Jack London as a marketing tool (apparently he considered Vichy to be his favorite). So, Jack London was a racist and a never nude!? Huh! Now, there are two reasons that we’ll never hold Naked Camp at Vichy Springs.

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Why am I so passionate about this? How does it effect me? I spend the majority of my working life reassuring people that they are beautiful and unique fucking snowflakes. Society has conditioned most of us to believe that we’re not spectacular specimens of human sexiness. So, as a Fitness Coach, I spend a lot of emotional energy trying to correct that. I’m able to recognize insecurities in other people and it’s a fucking drag. What’s the one thing that no one wants to be reminded of during their decompression/downtime? The emotionally heavy aspect of their career. That’s how it effects me. It effects my friends in other ways.

For the trans community that goes to Naked Camp to have the freedom of nudity that they can’t even experience on the clothing optional beaches, “Never Nudes Go Home!”

For the ladies that don’t want to be stared at by the jackass wearing cargo shorts, “Never Nudes Go Home!”

For those of us that don’t want to overhear you whispering (loudly) about our tattoos and piercings, “Never Nudes Go Home!”

I challenge myself (daily) to have compassion for all people, but not every place is for everybody. Never nudes (hopefully) haven’t been forced to be in a clothing optional resort. Never nudes, it’s easier for the rest of  us to have compassion for your condition if you don’t paint yourself into an uncomfortably nude corner. Never nudes, go home.

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The Necessity Of Nudity In The Now
In August (on the 20th), I’ll be performing in my first all nude show. That’s right, the full monty will happen on a stage in San Francisco. Stay tuned for more details on that. In the meanwhile…

Upcoming Burlesque Performances
Monday, July 6 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco
Friday, July 10 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco
Friday, August 14 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco

Fitness Classes [Find me on the schedule at Studiomix, in San Francisco]
Mondays:
Studio Road Ride @ 5:45PM
Tuesdays:
TRX Bodyweight Burn @ 7:15PM
Wednesdays:
Studio Road Ride @ 7:00AM
Tabata Cross @ 5:45PM
Cross Mix @ 8:00PM
Fridays:
Studio Road Ride @ 6:15AM
Tabata Cross @ 8:30AM

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What’s In My Smoothie / What’s In My Pants

As you can tell by the title, I’m touching two different subjects. The first subject is based on a question I hear everyday. Every goddamned day. The second subject is based on a question one may have when watching me perform burlesque. Let’s get started with the first subject.

Person: “What are you drinking?” Me: “A smoothie.” Person: “What do you put in your smoothie?” Me: “A bunch of shit.”

That exchange happens just about every time someone sees me drinking a smoothie. Here’s what they look like.
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People tell me that the green bits make them curious to ask what’s inside. The reason that I often give the “bunch of shit” answer is because there are 8 different ingredients in each batch. I’m not about to rattle off 8 ingredients every time I get the question. So, I’ve decided to post this blog instead. Besides, some of you may find this delicious and make a few smoothies yourself.

It’s worth mentioning… Before you get started, please remember that I’ve made this recipe, or something close to it, every week for over a year. Barring any allergies (foods that cause an allergic reaction are NOT the same as foods that you dislike) don’t make any substitutions until you’ve tried it this way first. The way the story goes, a chef posted a recipe online and some dumb ass decided they didn’t want to prep the dish with chicken so they substituted shrimp instead and didn’t adjust the cooking time. That person went on to complain that it was the worst recipe ever. Don’t be a dumb ass and substitute anchovies in lieu of bananas only to complain to me that your smoothie tastes like cat food.

Here Are The Tools You’ll Need
A high-powered blender (e.g. Ninja or Vitamix)
Scale that measures in grams/ounces
Six (12-16 Ounce) Mason Jars

Here Are The Ingredients You’ll Need
[Be sure to add these to the blender in the following order]
-1st Light Coconut Milk, 8 Ounces
-2nd (Real) Apple Juice (not from concentrate), 32 Ounces (If water is the first ingredient, that shit ain’t juice!)
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-3rd Fresh Spinach, 170 Grams
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-4th Fresh Bananas, 3
-5th (edit) Flax Seed, 1/2 Cup
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-6th Almond Meal, 1/2 Cup (This can be found in the baking section of Trader Joe’s or underneath your own hammer.)
-7th Frozen Fruit, 12 Ounces (Get creative here and be sure to weigh the fruit or else you’ll make too little/much per batch. I’ve used figs, pineapples, strawberries, mangoes, blueberries, raspberries, or similar combinations in this step.)
-8th Steamed/Peeled Beets, 4 Ounces (This amount is small to avoid overpowering the other flavors.)

It’s worth mentioning… It’s no accident that there is no protein powder or GNC-styled supplements in my smoothies. Another question people ask me is, “what kind of protein powder do you use?” I don’t. Powder isn’t food. I like food.

Here’s What You’ll Need To Do
Combine the first four ingredients (in the prescribed order). Run the blender (on any setting) for a few seconds to make room for the remaining ingredients. Once you’ve added everything, run the blender on a low setting just to get everything mixed together. At that point, you can turn it up to full blast to puree everything and let it run for 90 seconds. If you’re using 16 ounce mason jars, be sure that you can see the 12 ounce line. Line up your 6 jars and pour 12 ounces of deliciousness into each one. If you’ve followed the directions to the letter, you may have +/- 1 ounce after portioning them out. You can use that surplus as a taste test if you like. Otherwise, enjoy. When someone asks what’s in your smoothie, tell them all eight ingredients. Or just say, “a bunch of shit.”

Want to see me talk shit and challenge you to exercise at the same time? Join me for a fitness class in San Francisco. Find me on the schedule at Studiomix.

Mondays
Studio Road Ride @ 5:45PM
Tuesdays
TRX Bodyweight Burn @ 7:15PM
Wednesdays
Studio Road Ride @ 7:00AM
Tabata Cross @ 5:45PM
Cross Mix @ 8:00PM
Fridays
Studio Road Ride @ 6:15AM
Tabata Cross @ 8:30AM

What’s In My Pants
Glitter is in my pants! Want to see me sparkle?

Last week, my Mom saw me perform for the first time. She had a great time and was thrilled by all of the attention she received. She smiled the entire time. She’s always been supportive of everything that I’ve ever done (creatively or otherwise) even when she didn’t agree with my tattoos or piercings, she’s always supported me. I often hear the horror stories about families disowning their children for burlesque. Part of the reason that our community is so closely knit is because we accept each other when some people don’t receive that same acceptance from blood relatives. What are you doing tomorrow night? Come out to DNA Lounge and support our community. Support live entertainment instead of a pre-recorded television show. My (very conservative) Aunt asked, “Are you nervous about being naked in front of your Mom!?” I replied, “First of all, I was born naked. Secondly, I won’t be totally nude anyway because of the laws.” Want to see me get mostly naked? You can see my newest act tomorrow (Monday) night. Here are the links to each show and some other places to see me perform:
Monday, June 22 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco
Thursday, June 25 – Moonlighting SF @ 50 Mason Social House in San Francisco
Moonlighting Flyer_JUNE 2015
Friday, June 26 – 3, 2, 1… Sizzle! @ Sacramento Comedy Spot in (obviously) Sacramento
Friday, July 10 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco
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Friday, August 14 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco

Mom Watching Me Strip!

Sorry for the delay, it’s been a busy weekend. Come out and see a milestone performance for me tonight. It will be my Mom’s FIRST time seeing me perform burlesque! *gasp* You can also ask her questions about my childhood that I’ll deny later. Should be fun! 😉

Upcoming Burlesque Performances
Monday, June 15 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco
Friday, June 19 – Red Hots Burlesque @ BeatBox in San Francisco
Monday, June 22 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco
Thursday, June 25 – Moonlighting SF @ 50 Mason Social House in San Francisco
Friday, June 26 – 3, 2, 1… Sizzle! @ Sacramento Comedy Spot in (obviously) Sacramento
Friday, July 10 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco
Friday, August 14 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco

Fitness Classes [Find me on the schedule at Studiomix, in San Francisco]
Studio Road Ride on Mondays @ 5:45PM
TRX Bodyweight Burn on Tuesdays @ 7:15PM
Studio Road Ride on Wednesdays @ 7:00AM
Tabata Cross on Wednesdays @ 5:45PM
Cross Mix on Wednesdays @ 8:00PM
Studio Road Ride on Fridays @ 6:15AM
Tabata Cross on Fridays @ 8:30AM

“I’ve missed you on Facebook!”

It’s no shock that people say odd shit all of the time. One of the oddest ways that people have been greeting me over the past year has been with the phrase, “I miss you on Facebook!” I always have the same response. “Have you subscribed to my blog?” They inevitably give one of the following responses: “You have a blog!?” “I thought I did!” or (my favorite) “I mean I miss your posts!” (Hint: Blogs are like Facebook posts without the limitations of a status update.) My friend left FB and found herself put-off over people greeting her the same way. “I miss you on Facebook!”, they’ll say to her. I suggested that she start responding to them with, “I miss looking into your living room window, but you don’t see me complaining about it!”

For those of you that don’t know the story, read about my Virtual Exodus (leaving all Social Media) that happened a year ago. To summarize, I’ve been proving the FOMO-sufferers wrong. “I can’t leave Facebook!” “I wish I could delete my account!” WTF!? People say some weird shit. People ask me how life is without FB and I proudly proclaim that real life is fantastic! It really is great. I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again. Social Media has changed the meaning of the word social. There is nothing social about staring at a screen. Technology has debilitated our communication skills to the point that we fear dialogue. Don’t believe me? When was the last time you exchanged several texts with someone and tried to call them (to make the conversation easier) only to have them not answer the phone. You know the goddamned phone is in their hand! Don’t believe that excuse that they “couldn’t talk at the moment.” That’s true at times, more often than not the excuse is cat shit!

So, how’s life in the real world? It’s great! I’ve become a better student, a more attentive lover, a better coach, more consistent with my own training program, braver in my choreography, and more consistent with my weekly blog posts (but you knew that already). I’ve also been performing about 4-5 times a month. That last note was added for all of the performers that are convinced that they couldn’t work without FB. The service you provide as a dancer/acrobat/aerialist/etc. is invaluable. Hustle for your art. Pick up the goddamned phone and call some producers, set up a website, start a YouTube channel and get some subscribers, but hustle! It may be true that some producers will assume that you don’t exist if you don’t have a social media presence. Let that be your excuse to make your presence known in bigger, brighter, more creative ways. Giddyup!)

I’ll leave you with this thought. Don’t ever allow yourself to miss someone that lives within 10 miles of your home. Reading someone’s status update is NOT connecting with them. Go out and see your friends. Hug them, smell them, talk shit with them, and don’t miss them when it can be avoided. Your challenge for the week is to make a list of three friends that you only “connect” with on anti-social media. Make plans to see those three friends in real life. Even if you don’t see them in the next week, make the plans. Giddyup!

Since pictures are worth 1,000 words (and I’m in the middle of Finals Week-this post was a study break) here are some visual answers as to what I’ve been doing.

I made these pasties for my Venom costume.
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Here’s the “tale end” of that performance as captured by Jody Lyons.
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 Thanks to Noctopia.net (McCracken) for taking the following photos:

Jet Noir at Sin Sisters Burlesque, the Catalyst Club, Santa Cruz, California, 14 February 2015.

Jet Noir at Sin Sisters Burlesque, the Catalyst Club, Santa Cruz, California, 14 February 2015.

Jet Noir at Fishnet Follies Presents the Garter Room, the Legionnaire Saloon, Oakland, California, 2 April 2015.

Jet Noir at Fishnet Follies Presents the Garter Room, the Legionnaire Saloon, Oakland, California, 2 April 2015.

Jet Noir at Fishnet Follies Presents the Garter Room, the Legionnaire Saloon, Oakland, California, 2 April 2015.

Jet Noir at Fishnet Follies Presents the Garter Room, the Legionnaire Saloon, Oakland, California, 2 April 2015.

Jet Noir at Fishnet Follies Presents the Garter Room, the Legionnaire Saloon, Oakland, California, 2 April 2015.

Jet Noir at Fishnet Follies Presents the Garter Room, the Legionnaire Saloon, Oakland, California, 2 April 2015.


Here are some dates and places to see me perform.

Upcoming Burlesque Performances
Monday, June 8 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco
Monday, June 15 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco
Friday, June 19 – Red Hots Burlesque @ BeatBox in San Francisco
Thursday, June 25 – Moonlighting SF @ 50 Mason Social House in San Francisco
Friday, June 26 – 3, 2, 1… Sizzle! @ Sacramento Comedy Spot in (obviously) Sacramento
Friday, July 10 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco
Friday, August 14 – Hubba Hubba Revue @ DNA Lounge in San Francisco

Fitness Classes [Find me on the schedule at Studiomix, in San Francisco]
Studio Road Ride on Mondays @ 5:45PM
TRX Bodyweight Burn on Tuesdays @ 7:15PM
Studio Road Ride on Wednesdays @ 7:00AM
Tabata Cross on Wednesdays @ 5:45PM
Cross Mix on Wednesdays @ 8:00PM
Studio Road Ride on Fridays @ 6:15AM
Tabata Cross on Fridays @ 8:30AM