Did you ever hear the one about the woman who had multiple orgasms… for three hours!? Her orgasms weren’t all pleasure, nor were they a feat of strength. She was experiencing dozens of orgasms due to Persistent Genital Arousal Disorder (PGAD). I have no idea how statistically common PGAD can be, although there are many examples of the condition floating round the internet. (Some of the videos are funny in a “that’s fucked up and I shouldn’t be laughing at this” sort of way.) When I first heard the story, the female (relevant) news anchors made jokes about the man (who brought his wife into the ER) receiving high fives, claps on the back, and “way to go” affirmations for what he had done. Wait, for what he had done? I thought the story was about her orgasm, not his. In the film, Irreversible, two friends that were once lovers discussed the trouble they had with sex. He spoke about how hard he tried to give her an orgasm and how he always seemed to fail. She laughed and explained that if he had just enjoyed himself and not tried so hard she would have had no problem reaching a climax.
Distracted Jet Thought… I’ve always remembered that movie scene because I’ve never wanted to sound stupid with a lover in the heat of moment. I’ve learned the hard way that saying the wrong thing, at the right time, can cool a woman off faster than a January toilet seat in an apartment with no heat. It’s been said that kissing the Blarney Stone gives one the gift of eloquence. I’ve kissed that stone and I’ve still said stupid shit to women. Three things have helped me to avoid saying as much stupid shit as I have in the past.
1.) I think before I speak. How would this message be perceived, out of context, or if it were written in stone?
2.) I try not to give anything personally. It’s a daily challenge to avoid taking things, that others say, personally. A different sort of challenge is to avoid delivering coded messages from a deeply personal place. (i.e. Don’t make your message about you. If you do, and it happens, call yourself on it.)
3.) Platinum speaking. Golden speakers speak with the golden rule and deliver message the way they want to receive messages. Platinum speakers speak with the platinum rule and deliver message the way their audience wants to receive messages.
Now, back to your loosely scheduled post…
I’d like to share with you some of the comments I’ve heard men say, in reference to women’s orgasms over the years. I’ll start with the song by The Time from 1984’s Ice Cream Castles “If The Kid Can’t Make You Come”, wherein Morris Day brags on how he’ll make his woman come and if he (the kid) can’t do it, nobody can. I mean, who’s better at making the ladies cum than Morris Day, honestly! [I wanted to find a YouTube link to that song, in case you hadn’t heard it. Fun Fact: When you Google any string of words with kid and cum in the same sentence, Big Brother Google posts a warning that such images are illegal. I don’t want to share a cell with Jarod (too soon?) so I abandoned that search hella quick.] Another classic was that one dude at a house party, back in Atlanta that claimed he could make a woman cum just by looking at her. We were all in our 20s, drunk and/or high, and talking shit to impress any of the pretty womens* nearby. I’ll cut that guy some slack. [*Before you comment on what seems to be a typo… I know the correct use of woman, women, and womyn. Womens is a nod to Blues man Muddy Waters. Listen to some of his classics.] The most persistent example I’ve overheard (at play parties, orgies, and various bedrooms) has been the guy that aggressively promises to make his lover cum with the same volition that one would promise to make dinner.
He Makes Her Cum
It’s all up to him,
let him tell it.
It’s all in the stroke,
let him sell it.
I suppose it is a sales pitch.
I know that you have many dicks
to choose from
when you choose to travel.
But, if you choose to ride on this dick,
I’ll make you cum so hard
and cum so quick
that your mind will unravel.
Shall we take a Lyft Line
to your place or mine?
You so fine,
I’ll take some extra time and…
*he whispers* Move to the left,
we’re in your puddle.
What was that?
You’re welcome, Boo!
I’m so glad
that I could give you an orgasm
and make your back spasm.
I know, I know.
I’m the man!
Did you vomit in your mouth a little bit? Sorry, I wanted to give an extreme example of the unwelcome bedroom brag. It’s Worth Mentioning [IWM]… Sometimes lovers welcome and crave comedically confident talk in the bedroom. This post has more to do with you being a better communicator with your lover than it has to do with some random Jet telling you how to speak to your lover.
A message to the men that use some of the aforementioned language before, during, or after sex: The problem with such commentary is that these are examples of giving messages personally. Don’t make the message about you. The subject of concern is an orgasm. Not just an orgasm, but her orgasm. It’s her orgasm to release, enjoy, and to share with you (if you’re lucky). It is neither your sole responsibility to bring a woman to orgasm, nor is it a reflection of your manhood if she does not reach an orgasm. Societal conditioning has concocted many misguided ways for us to prove our manhood. Taking ownership of a woman’s orgasm should be stricken from that list. I would be over distilling the definition of a woman’s sexual climax if I were to call an orgasm a mere response to stimuli. Of course, the breakdown of what types of stimuli involved can be numerous. This post isn’t about the science or the “mystery” (he wrote, mockingly) of the female orgasm. That’s another topic for another time. This is about taking credit and, in essence, attempting to take power away from the woman in your embrace. [IWM… Women should take care and avoid giving away power by making her partner responsible for her orgasm. “You didn’t make me cum!”, she said with arms akimbo and a furrowed accusatory brow. I’ve written before about how no one can make you feel, but this isn’t as simple as words being (or not being) the catalyst for an emotional outcome. This is about so much more. Because of that an orgasm should never be considered, nor feel like someone’s job.]
I’ve never had a vagina. I’ve never known what it’s like to hear someone tell me, “I’m going to make you cum” as if they were attempting to take ownership of my pleasure. So, I sought counsel from some of the women in my life. When asked how they felt about the aforementioned phrase, they had this to say…
A: “I don’t think anyone has ever said that. And I’m not sure I would want them to! 1. It might make me feel pressured…unless you’re tying me up and holding a wand to my pussy and it’s a dominating situation it doesn’t feel appropriate to state that. 2. 98% of the time I do cum so why state the obvious…my only response could be “I hope so” 3. Plus not every time has to have an end goal and maybe I’m just in the mood to experience pleasure for the sake of pleasure with that being enough.”
J: “It totally depends on the context, the timing, and the tone of voice. It could potentially amp things up a bit and be exciting, but it could also sound a little aggressive. I find it much hotter when a partner says something like, “I love it when you cum,” or “I love watching you cum.” That implies that the partner gets pleasure in meeting your needs or bringing you pleasure, but was not as focused on the outcome as he was on you. Saying “I’m going to make you cum” can sometimes come across more like the partner is using a goal-oriented checklist approach to show off his own prowess with sex, and it’s more an accomplishment for him than something for you. But again, it depends on the context, timing, & tone of voice…”
F: “For me, having an orgasm is not a requirement for good sex. I’ve had amazing sex when I didn’t cum, I’ve had mediocre sex that had an orgasm or two in the mix… and everything in between. What is a requirement, however, is connection and communication- feeling like both parties are equally engaged in both their own pleasure and that of the other person. Sometimes I want to cum, but I can’t. Sometimes I don’t think I’m going to cum, and then it happens. Surprise! At the end of the day, my preference is that someone ask (GASP!) if I want to cum before assuming it as a goal. I don’t like cumming just to stroke someone’s ego. So if the person I’m fucking asks if I want to cum, and I say yes, and then they proceed to work their damnedest to help make it happen, and at some point say “I’m going to make you cum”, or in a more [Dom/sub] fashion order me to cum for them, or something like that, then it’s great! If someone doesn’t ask, and the mood isn’t right and they say “I’m going to make you cum”, it’s a total boner-killer for me because then I feel like I have to cum for them, that I owe them an orgasm. I will also mention that I don’t think I’ve ever experienced the latter when fucking women.”
R: “You can’t make me anything mothafucka and concentrating on that end result will take away some of the joy of getting there for the both of us.”
I’m certainly not suggesting that these four women represent all women everywhere. But, here are some takeaways from their feedback:
1.) A statement’s delivery and circumstance will determine how welcome it is to the listener’s ears. The Dom/sub dynamic is just one situation in which the phrase may be welcomed during certain types of play.
2.) Stating the obvious. If you know your partner, are paying attention to your new partner, or you’ve asked your partner what they want out of your experience together (please, phrase that in a more eloquent manner so you don’t come across as a square-unless you’re about to make it with a sapiosexual, in which case, go for it) there’s a chance you may not make such a gonna-make-you-cum comment much like you wouldn’t stare into a storm cloud and demand rain.
3.) The end game doesn’t always have to be about ending the play. How many times have you had sex in the past month? How did you count that number? Was the number based on how many orgasms you/your partner had or was the number based on separate play experiences? I once reflected on the number of whole body orgasms I experienced, the night before, because I was trying to figure out why I wanted to sleep in. It wasn’t because I was trying to count how many times I had sex. I think it’s more rewarding for both parties to have a sexy rumpus that continues as a seamless experience throughout the allotted time together. Why do we count anyway, ego? “We did it four times last night, I’m such a stud!” M’eh! Just enjoy each other until one/both of you taps out. IWM… Another (not quoted above) sage woman mentioned that she’s experienced this commanding statement from both men and women. So, I’m not taking aim at one particular group of humans.
All humans should talk to their lovers and understand what each other wants instead of assuming or, heaven forbid, making some measurable mark of pleasure. Enjoy your orgasms, both solo and with your lovers. Listen to each other and try enjoying the pleasure without a goal-oriented approach.
What are you doing for brunch on Sunday? Come see me perform!
Red Hots Burlesque, Sunday, 1/31 @ Piano Fight, San Francisco
The Garter Room, Thursday, 2/4 @ The Legionnaire Saloon, Oakland
No Cover Cabaret, Friday, 2/5 @ Skylark Bar, San Francisco
Hubba Hubba Revue, Monday, 2/8 @ DNA Lounge (Upstairs), San Francisco
Briefs Erotic Film Competition After Party, Thursday, 2/11 @ The Uptown, Oakland
Hubba Hubba Revue, Monday, 2/22 @ DNA Lounge (Upstairs), San Francisco
Hubba Hubba Revue/Bootie, Saturday, 3/5 @ DNA Lounge (Main Stage), San Francisco
Hubba Hubba Revue, Saturday, 4/8 @ DNA Lounge (Main Stage), San Francisco
Red Hots Burlesque, Friday, 5/6 @ Beatbox, San Francisco
Red Hots Burlesque, Sunday, 5/8 @ Piano Fight, San Francisco
Red Hots Burlesque, Sunday, 5/15 @ Piano Fight, San Francisco
Red Hots Burlesque, Friday, 5/20 @ Beatbox, San Francisco
Red Hots Burlesque, Friday, 5/27 @ Beatbox, San Francisco
3-2-1… Sizzle!, Friday, 12/16 @ Sacramento Comedy Spot, Sacramento