While writing today, I came across an Evernote file from April. I drafted the speech I was to say at my father’s funeral while on the plane to Detroit. It wasn’t the official eulogy, but I was not going to pass up a chance to speak loving words about my father. So, I wrote this for him and said it at the service. Yes, I did say all the words even though we were in a church and some of the older women were mortified. I’m sharing this with the internet today because my father was a good man and I just want to celebrate him today.
I cry about love because of you, Pop I know about love because of you, Pop I first talked about love with you, Pop It feels like I told you everything I needed to But, there’s still so much I want to tell you, Pop I want to tell you how it all works out for your baby Boy I want to show you my life so you can see yourself in it I want to show you my love so you rest knowing that I have someone who supports my life
I’m grateful, Pop. All that cussin and plenty shit talkin? You the one that got me poppin with the gift of gab Hard not to think about you when I’m creating in the lab. You’re influence of kindness, not just as an inference has helped my anger to rest And for me to press forward Writing a eulogy for an immortal man, my big strong dad who still called me his baby right up until he could no longer speak.
Pop seemed invincible because he didn’t fight with the world around him. He didn’t argue with the neighbors. I never heard him talk shit about another human being. I never saw any sort of conflict surrounding his life. A man without conflict is at peace and that peace made Pop immortal. He’ll be remembered for his kind eyes, warm smile, and his enthusiastic greetings. He always spoke with the slang of his youth. It wasn’t uncommon to hear him exclaim, “Hey! What’s happening, Jack!” to people who were not named Jack. He was always approachable and affectionate. There were never any bad moods with him. We could always talk to him. I’ve been in disbelief these last few years. I didn’t want to believe that my big strong dad was getting older, that he was becoming elderly. He used to pick me up without bending his knees. He took us anywhere we wanted to go, whether it was on his bicycle or in his van. He took me all around town. We had our disagreements when I was a teenager and he didn’t like my music. But, it took me growing up and traveling to other countries to really appreciate how good my Pop was to us. He listened when we needed an ear, he never lost his temper with us, and he still called me his “baby” even at 41. Whenever I meet someone and I decide that I like them, I’ll often describe them as “peaceful”. Pops was the most peaceful cat I ever had the pleasure of knowing. I thank him for showing me how to be gentle. I thank him for showing me that i can have a life free from conflict. I thank him for the example he modeled when he would notice an attractive woman, but he would never cat call or harass them. I could tell you all the stories about how great he was as a dad, as a husband, and as a man. Instead, I’ll leave you with a few of his quotes.
“Don’t start none, won’t be none.” There was no conflict in his life because he practiced this maxim daily.
“Keep livin!” This is what he said as a reminder that all we can do (when tragedy strikes those around us) is to keep on living. Life still has more to show us.
“Oh! I think I can make it!” This was the punchline of a joke he used to tell. He had told the joke, about a man driving the wrong way down a one way street, so many times that he’d reduced it to just the punch line. “Oh! I think I can make it!” is what the man says after being told “Hey, man! You can’t go that way!” He would always laugh the loudest at his own joke and I’m proud to have picked up that habit from him. I hear Pop’s voice saying I think I can make it every time I’m about to do something challenging. If you want to honor his memory, then believe that you can make it the next time someone tells you that you can’t.
When I chose “Bijou” (directed by Wakefield Poole) to review for PinkLabel.TV’s #PornClub, I chose it because I wanted to watch something that I normally wouldn’t choose on my own. I’m cisgender and heterosexual, but I’d probably let *that* one guy suck my dick. *ba dum dun ttsshh* So, I chose to watch some masculine porn. I’m glad that I chose Bijou.
Bijou (1972) feels like a place I’ve visited in past time fantasies. When I first started going to underground clubs in the late 90s, I remember similar vibes. Some spaces were loud when it felt like they shouldn’t have been, disorienting (due to their mix of neon, dark spaces, and mirrors), and salacious at every moment. Those are the same things I’d say to describe Bijou.
As the story begins, the music feels sorely out of place. I even suspected that I’d left Gustav Mahler playing in another program. Imagine a big, jarring score cascading out of your speakers as the characters on the screen move calmly through their day, setting the scene for an elegant experience. Generally, I try to avoid going into a new viewing with any expectations. However, I can still be surprised with happenings that I didn’t expect. Early on in the film, the main character steals something and that makes it hard to like him as a person. (It’s not the stealing per se, it’s who from and how that left a bad taste on it.) At any rate, it was a challenge for me to celebrate his pleasure in the beginning. Eventually, I got over it because the casual speakeasy sexual encounter that evolved into a hot group scene was absolute poetry.
Once the audience discovers what Bijou is, it’s hard to look away. Once Bill Harrison’s character enters Bijou, it’s easy to feel like you’re on a trip. Once inside, I watched a room full of yes. I watched a room balanced with exploration, desire, and natural intoxication. There was no drug/alcohol use in the flick, but everyone in Bijou seemed intoxicated with primal arousal. (I also loved the juxtaposition of the laissez-faire gatekeeper.) It’s always a pleasure to see actors enjoying their fucking work. I was into the entire “dark room” scene.
This isn’t a scripted, man meets man, sort of lust story. Instead, this adventure is like a surreal experience for the main character. The imagery on which he focuses during his (early) masturbation scene, ultimately, leaves him unsatisfied. (Note to self, try jacking off to Led Zeppelin in the future. It worked musically well in Bijou.) It’s easy to see that he’s searching for some unnamed experience. A friend once spoke about what constitutes a story. A character goes through some significant change and there you have your story. Bill Harrison’s character experiences change once his fantasy is fulfilled. The first time we see him smile, we know that the jewel that is Bijou was exactly what he needed in that moment to bring him joy that rounds out his story.
Would I recommend it? Fuck yes! Why? Watch it for the pleasure. Watch it for the surreal fantasy. Watch it to watch people enjoying their fucking work. But, watch it. I’d especially recommend this one to any CisHet man who has never felt comfortable talking about their pleasure out loud. Arousal and pleasure can be plain to see no matter how you feel about the characters on the screen.
More than once in my life, I’ve suggested that people handle a situation based on the way that I would handle it. I think that’s a human reflex, to make suggestions based on our own lived experiences. I often preach the platinum rule: treat others the way THEY wish to be treated. Flipping that same mindset, it’s important to consider the lived experience of others when they are faced with challenges that we might handle differently. I want to share two brief stories of how I’ve experienced sexual harassment backstage and how I’ve handled them. Stay with me, there’s a point to this. Please note that if reading such stories could potentially upset you, this is a warning.
1.) After leaving the stage, I was winded and disoriented. I removed my merkin and was bent over my suitcase, frantically searching for my “regular draws” so that I wouldn’t be just butt ass naked backstage. As I was naked and bent over, the intoxicated producer appeared inches close behind me. She began to laugh and gesture for others to look in my direction and she asked “What are you doing?” I explained that I was looking for my draws and I asked why she was standing so close over me. She kept laughing. I grabbed my things and made a loud proclamation about “GOING TO THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM!” I tried to be loud because it didn’t seem like anyone was going to step in and help. I was pissed! I knew that I’d never work with this person again. The next day, I sent her a message. I explained in clear terms that what she did was wrong and made me uncomfortable around her. It was sexual harassment (she never touched me). She apologized, made it clear that she understood why her behavior was wrong, and I felt the matter was settled.
2.) I teach a workshop on burlesque stage confidence and the whole idea behind my curriculum is to connect with our physiological response to external stimuli so that we can understand how to name those reactions and still be our best on stage. During one of the exercises, we cover how to name our physical response to being touched (with consent). I’ve received non-consensual touch backstage before performing. It’s not a good feeling. At a different show, the stage manager was too friendly with his hands. He gave uninvited touches to my elbows and shoulders. My immediate thought was, “This is what that feels like, gross!” I began to notice that my backstage warmup dancing was thrown way off. Like, I lost my rhythm and was genuinely bothered. So, before I made my way to the stage I checked in with my body. I shook off the feeling of being touched without consent. Then I went to that stage manager and told him, “Don’t ever touch me!” He didn’t come near me for the rest of the show and I felt the matter was settled.
I handled both of those situations because of how my lived experience has shaped me. Growing up as a Black man in Detroit, being direct has always been the only option for me. Not everyone was raised that way. Existing in a cisgender heterosexual masculine-presenting body allows me a great deal of privilege in this patriarchal society. There are times when those specific privileges tend to be a blindspot for me.
I’m grateful to my actual friends who are willing to have tough conversations with me and point out those blind spots. I recognize how much emotional labor it takes to have tough conversations. So, to all who have taken on that emotional labor to speak with (instead of post about) me, I see you and appreciate you.
Not everyone has those same CisHet male privileges to lean on when it comes time to address a point of concern. Many people may feel powerless in a situation and reluctant to approach what could turn into a shouting match or worse. Come to think of it, how many times have I avoided telling the Bro in the gym to stop dropping his weights because I knew it would turn into an argument? (I’ve avoided that plenty of times.) I haven’t read every response posted after I wrote this post. From what I have read, I’ve learned a few things about how I’m perceived by others.
I fucked up in 2015, no two ways about it. I want to address those to whom I’ve not been able to apologize. Any sexual act that is witnessed by another without their consent to witness said act is a form of sexual harassment. This is especially true since it happened in the workplace. The sexual act that my lover and I shared backstage that was visible to the entire cast and crew was just wrong. While we had engaged in a sober consent talk before hand, I never stopped to think about those bearing witness. One cast member I spoke with told me they were the person who mentioned my actions to the producer. They mentioned that they chose that route because they knew this particular producer would handle it directly (and they did, we spoke about it and I apologized). They also made the great point that they weren’t going to come to me about that sort of thing because that would be akin to them telling me what to (or not to) do backstage. With that being said, it makes sense that no other cast/crew member from that night in 2015 has approached me. The part of the story I left out was that when we came out of the bathroom, no one was around. So, it never crossed my mind to seek out specific people and apologize to them. That doesn’t matter today. What does matter is that my actions backstage that night caused harm, the extent of which I may never know. So, if you were backstage that evening and my actions caused you any harm or offense. I apologize. If you give me a chance, I’ll apologize to you with eye contact. I’m not writing this in hopes of forgiveness. I’m not writing this because I feel “owed” your time and energy so that I may apologize. (No one owes me anything, I’m just asking.) I just want it to be known that I’m aware that I caused harm that night. I also want it to be known that I’ve made efforts to do better since then. I’ve attended workshops on how these sort of actions can affect people. I’ve taught workshops on consent, specific to sexually charged spaces (e.g. play parties). I’ve lead caucuses on what it means to be masculine in the world of burlesque where the agenda focused on the role of men in dismantling rape culture. I’m not sharing all of this with you to claim that “I’m a nice guy.” Being “nice” is just the bare minimum of being a human being. I’m sharing this to highlight that I’ve learned and grown since 2015. I’m aware that many affected by that night may feel these words are too little, too late. That’s fair. Your feelings are valid. I’m here to listen if you’d like to address the matter further. If that’s not something that works for you, I do hope that you’ll be open to working with me in the future so that you can meet the man I’ve become.
Unfortunately, there’s nothing I can do to make a second first impression. I’ve missed that opportunity. I’m ever evolving and making efforts to be a better person. Here’s what I’m doing to create a gentle entry point for future conversations. Some of you may be familiar with an Accountability Pod [AP]. For those who aren’t, here’s a breakdown. The short version is that a group of 2-3 people would hold me accountable for any ways that I’ve harmed others. Having an AP would mean that anyone who wished to address a grievance would have a way to do so anonymously. Circling back to my blind spot, I often fail to understand why anyone would fear approaching me. That’s my CisHet blind spot, my privilege speaking. I keep thinking about how I know that there is no reason to fear me. I keep thinking about how I know there is no reason to fear retaliation for speaking your truth to me (not at me). Sure, I know that. However, others don’t/can’t know that because they are driven by their own lived experience. To put it another way, your experience with the last three CisHet men you’ve met might keep you from approaching me. I understand.
Let’s look at that stage manager situation that I experienced through the lens of anyone else. Would others handle it the same, in the moment? Would others say, “Don’t ever touch me!” Maybe not. Some may brush it off as not a big deal and then realize they never stopped thinking of it, years later. What’s to be done about it then, are the feelings any less valid because time has passed? No. How can people move forward if some people don’t want conflict resolution? I don’t have that answer. I have learned that some people don’t want to resolve conflict. Those feelings are also valid. Everyone is coming from a different lived experience.
What happens meow? While an AP is not something that can be built overnight, I would like to open the door for conversation that is not anonymous. How does one resolve a conflict without conversation? I don’t have that answer either. I want to open the door to anyone who has ever felt uncomfortable around me. Have I said something inappropriate? Have I done something in poor taste in front of you? Has my mere presence, in a vulnerable space (backstage), caused you to feel uneasy in any way? Do you turn and go the other way when you see me at a show? Have you ever thought to yourself that you would never work with me? If so, I’m inviting you to reach out to me. I’ve deactivated my FB account because no one was talking to me, only posting about me. Many of the people commenting didn’t know me or the circumstances. So, let’s leave the entirety of social media out of this and have a conversation. That is of course, if that’s how YOU want to be treated in this moment. If the conversation or resolution is something that you want or need from me, I’m here to listen. I want to be clear that I am here to listen. I’m not here to argue with you, I’m here to listen. I just want to listen so that I can do better.
One of the things I enjoy about watching flicks from another era is the opportunity to put myself in the mindset of the, in this case, 1969 audience. I recently watched Camille 2000 directed by Radley Metzger. Going in, I was expecting to watch (my idea of) “vintage” porn. I was pleasantly surprised by this NC-17 Romantic Drama set in Rome.
Quick side note: Did you know that there’s one specific sex act that will bump a movie up from R rated to NC-17? It’s cunilingus! Yep, a woman receiving oral pleasure (that expression always makes me giggle) is what tips the scale. Patriarchy much?
Here I want to add a CW for some of the behavior of the men in this flick. Prep yourself, as a 1969 moviegoer, for consent violations in the form of what they consider to be playful flirting. Holy shit, the way they were picking up, at times literally, on women was troublesome. I’ll add another CW for language they used in the flick. I won’t repeat it here, but I let out an audible “WTF” when Marguerite called her designer a specific homosexual slur. I just wasn’t ready for that and I began to worry if I’d like the flick. I began looking deeper than dialogue and fell all the way in to their efforts of “modern” furniture that appeared to live on the line between fashion forward and ridiculous. I fell in to the funky soundtrack that was surprisingly uncheesy. Like, there was brown chicken, but no brown cow to the music. (*sing it with me* Brown chicken brown cow!) I loved the fashion and set design, although I’ll admit that I hated the poor little rich brats characters. It wasn’t a perfect movie.
The director chose some interesting perspectives for the sex scenes. They were the good kind of interesting, not the chin scratching kind of interesting. My absolute favorite shot in the whole flick was what I’ll call the cunilingus flower scene. You’ll know it when you see it. By the time I reached that point in the flick, I’d learned how the sex scenes evolved from the characters making eyes to undressing to their orgasms. But, I also learned what was considered risque or what was considered “blue” to the audiences of 1969. I say that to encourage you to watch this flick with a clean slate. Don’t go in expecting to see the details we see in 2019 scenes when the focus is fucking. Instead, go in for the love story and allow your heart and body to be turned on as the tension unfolds. I’d definitely watch this again.
I’ve been involved in burlesque since March 19, 2010. I’ve been a stage hand, backdoor bouncer, stage manager, performer (solo & group), MC, coach, and producer. Anyone who has done the math knows that the ROI is low in burlesque. The same people who have done that math also know that we don’t care about the money (that much). Sure, we want to see a financial return when we pursue ambitious things like producing a show in a strange city. However, I’m often happy to perform a local gig for a payout that is < the cost of my costume. Why? I love the ability to create art from start to finish without anyone standing over my shoulders telling me how to express myself. I think that’s why a lot of people love the burlesque scene, the autonomy to create one’s own vision without governance. I’ve asked burlesquers if they feel there should be a governing body in the world of burlesque. No matter how I ask that question, the answer is always a clear NO! As artists, we wish to keep that creative autonomy. I agree with that. However, whether we want to or not, producers end up being the governors of our shows. This tends to manifest as performer A coming to a producer and stating that they take issue with performer B. The producer is then left with choices as to how they’ll handle said issue. The list of potential responses can be as long as the issue is complex. There’s no hard/fast set of rules in such a case. I’m using the expression “take issue” because I’m not talking about crimes. I’m not talking about sexual assault. I’m just talking about ruffled feathers. More than once, a performer has approached a producer about firing a crew member because that performer and that crew member had a Facebook disagreement. Yep, a goddamned Facebook fight. If they can’t figure out basic conflict resolution, it’s not the place of the producer(s) to act as an older sibling on the playground of social media. As a producer, it’s not on me to resolve your conflict. However, if you’ve made an attempt at conflict resolution and I can speak above board with full disclosure about why performer A doesn’t wish to involve themselves with performer B then I’m happy to land on a decision (even if it must be punitive). Whatever decision I make as a producer will involve open honest communication with all parties involved. Even when the issue is more significant than just a disagreement between performers.
Humans all fuck up from time to time. I’ve certainly made mistakes when interacting with other performers. However, I always own my shit. I will forever be grateful to [redacted] who initiated a clearing conversation with me after we had a bad miscommunication. There’s no need to retell the story. But, as 2019 began, they had made a resolution to resolve past conflict. They came to me with the details of what had been bothering them and how I’d fucked up. We had a sit down via Facetime and I listened. By the time they were done, I was overwhelmed because I had no clue that our interaction had hurt them so much. I apologized. I made it clear that I understood why I was apologizing (instead of just seeking forgiveness). I spoke to how I would do better going forward. We mended our relationship and that may never have happened were it not for them initiating the conversation. I can only own my shit if I know what shit is to be owned.
I’ve practiced anger management since 1999 when I made a conscious decision to let go of anger and do better. I use the word practice because I still fuck up at times and the only way for me to do better beyond that fuck up is to own my shit. However, I can’t respond to a punitive reaction to an unexplained offense. Like, I can’t apologize if I don’t know what I did. Imagine getting fired* from a gig you’d been discussing for a year and then being denied an explanation of what you actually did.
Before I invite you to read on, I want to address the phenomena of an offender “not knowing” what they did or how they violated. I’ve heard stories of people in the burlesque scene being cancelled and, let them tell it, they had no idea what they’d done. As details unfolded it became clear that you can’t NOT know that being naked when models arrive at your studio for a photoshoot is a violation. Come on, Bruh! As details (of another case) unfolded it became clear that you can’t NOT know that pinning someone against a wall, kissing them, and reaching down their pants (all without consent) ON MULTIPLE OCCASIONS was a violation. Come on, Bruh! So, it’s easy to call bullshit when some offenders claim they have no idea what an accusation is about. Sometimes, encounters aren’t that flagrant and one person may not realize they’ve created an uncomfortable space for another person. (Much like the aforementioned clearing conversation.) Sometimes we don’t know when we’ve harmed others, when that happens we need conversations, not cancellations.
The following exchange is a big part of why I quit burlesque.
On Aug 18, 2019, at 16:28, HBF wrote:
As planning has accelerated for the Humboldt Burlesque Festival for 2019, we have been discussing lineup options. At this point, we are moving in a different direction than originally thought. We appreciate your willingness to participate but will no longer need your attendance at this year’s festival, as a performer or a judge. Thank you for your consideration.
Humboldt Burlesque Festival Board
On Mon, Aug 19, 2019, 5:34 Jet Noir wrote:
While I appreciate this advanced communication, I am curious as to why there’s been a shift. Basically, I’m asking if there was something that I did/didn’t do.
Was it my porn?
Was it something I posted on social media?
Was it just me?
I get it, it may just be (as you stated) that the board decided to go in another direction. I just want to make sure that I haven’t inadvertently upset anyone. We all work in the same circles and may end up sharing a backstage. So, I just want to make sure no one’s upset with me. Please advise.
On Aug 19, 2019, at 12:54, HBF wrote:
Thank you for reaching out. It was brought to our attention that there was an incident backstage at another venue involving you and another performer. That other performer then did not apply to our festival to avoid another interaction with you.
HBF strives to create a safe, inclusive space for our performers and we respond to issues that could jeopardize that safe environment. We determined that the best course of action in this situation was to select a different guest judge and go without a second headliner.
Thank you for your time,
On Mon, Aug 19, 2019, 3:06 PM Jet Noir wrote:
Thank you so much for getting back to me. This creates a difficult situation. As a producer, I strive to create safer environments backstage. My immediate thought is that I get it. I’d do the same thing if I was producing this festival.
However, this doesn’t really feel like a conversation. It just kinda feels like belief without vetting or due process. I’m aware that due process may not be a requirement for how the board makes decisions. No one owes me an explanation, I get that.
I assume this person wishes to remain anonymous, please let them know that I’d be open to a mediated conversation. I would be willing to pay for that mediator. I’m not looking to explain anything, I’m just trying to listen. I, legit, have no idea what happened, when it happened, or who feels this way about me. I want to be clear that I’m open to reaching a resolution instead of just being “cancelled” (which is what this feels like.)
I hope someone will give me a chance to listen to them. I just want to know what I did. Not looking to get re-cast or anything. Just trying to understand what’s being said about me.
On Mon, Aug 19, 2019, 8:12 PM HBF wrote:
Hi, Jet –
We understand that this seems like a harsh decision. We chose not to go through a vetting or due process for multiple reasons:
1. This was brought to our attention through a private communication with a Board member from the performer in question. We are not requiring that performer go through a specific process to make their concerns heard.
2. Our decision was centered mainly after the realization this performer would be uncomfortable. There does not need to be a jury determination for a person to feel uncomfortable around another person. It was enough for us that there would be negative emotions surrounding our festival if all parties were participating.
3. We felt that by privately communicating with you and severing the connection this year quietly, it was the best solution for all parties. Our intention was not to “cancel” you. We are not saying we never want you to attend HBF again. It is simply not the best direction for this year’s festival and we hope you understand that.
We will communicate your willingness to mediate with the other performer. We feel that is the extent to which our participation would be appropriate.
We appreciate your feedback,
Humboldt Burlesque Festival Board
Before I go any further, I want to address the aforementioned anonymous performer. On some level it brings me sadness you felt enough discomfort to not even attempt direct conflict resolution with me. (I’m saying that you made no attempt because I genuinely have no idea who you are or what this “incident” may be, like I can’t think of any backstage happening in ten years that hasn’t been resolved.) On some level this brings me anger because it feels like you just “went to management” and got me fired* (what did you think was going to happen) instead of even reaching out to me for a clearing conversation. I’m willing and eager to listen so that I can grow. I want to grow and do better. But, I have to know how I fucked up before I grow. None of that matters at this point. Peace and blessings to you. I hope that you’ll give me that chance to sit and listen to you at some point.
I’m frustrated with the HBF’s handling of the situation. This post is not intended to “call them out” because I expect no answer from them. As noted in our email exchange from above, it’s clear they’ve done all they’re going to do and telling me what I actually did isn’t on their list of priorities. No, this is not a call out. There are two points to this post.
1.) I want to share the effect this has had on my mental health and what this experience has done to my trust issues.
2.) I hope that no other producer handles any similar situation with disregard to what it creates for ALL parties involved. Don’t send anybody else through this madness of knowing they’ve been accused but not knowing what for.
I’m an educator and organizer in a few different sex positive communities. In those communities, we practice restorative justice. There’s that word again, practice. We don’t always get it right. But, one way that we try is by trying to get out in front of potential fuck ups. On the application to be a speaker for ConvergeCon, the following is noted.
“As conference producers, we must take any allegations of misconduct by our speakers seriously. If you were selected to be a presenter at Converge, and someone came forward with information about a consent violation they had experienced, do you have any procedures in place to address it? This could look like an accountability pod, a way for people to contact you directly or anonymously, or some other measures you have taken. For a really great example of this, feel free to check out the website of one of our previous speakers, Victor Salmon: https://goo.gl/pHtwTF”
Take a look at my friend Victor’s website. I love all of that so much because it gives us a chance to own our shit and be held accountable to do better in the future. To inflict a punitive response (firing* me) without even explaining the misstep/offense doesn’t help me (or anyone) to do better.
*-Full disclosure, we had no contract written or verbal that noted I’d been hired as one of their 2019 headliners. Therefore, they did not fire me and they were not in breach of contract. However, casual conversations had been happening between me and a board member since November 2018 specific to me being a headliner for 2019. When I use the word fired it’s just short hand, not literal.
I’m a part of another sex positive group and the following is a requirement for being involved in that community. “In a community this large, it is inevitable that conflicts, misunderstandings, or hurt feelings happen. [Sex Positive Community] emphasizes and provides community support for clearing conversations and resolutions to enable us to continue to share space and participate in community despite tensions. In the event that tensions or conflicts arise, we provide both [support] at events and a [team for peer resolution] to assist you.”
^This. This is what I want to be common in burlesque. Humans will rub each other the wrong way. We need to acknowledge that and make room for conversation, not conflict avoidance.
I have no idea what I did, therefore I could end up doing it again. Let that sink in for a moment. Imagine how many times similar situations have been handled in this “quiet” manner and how many people went on to fuck up again and again. Now, before anyone in burlesque reading this starts to shake their heads about “not my job” then whose job is it? Whose job is it to hold someone accountable for their actions, in a community? It’s the community’s job. If we’re going to call this a burlesque community, then we must uplift each other. Hold me accountable, help me do better. Encourage people to solve their own conflicts with eye contact and conversation more so than typing at each other in comment boxes or going to management.
The greater challenge for me has been the not knowing what’s being said. So, I’ve scanned my brain for every fuck up since 2010 that could cause anyone to feel uncomfortable around me. All I had to go on were the key words incident, backstage, and venue. If I was unaware when the incident happened, that could mean every time I’ve been backstage at a burlesque show in ten years. In that time, I’ve come up with once that I’ve upset someone. So, this is me owning my shit and airing out my laundry. I had sex backstage once. Our play (kissing & rubbing) began in plain sight and then we disappeared into the restroom for other activities that require clothing removal. After that show, the producer reached out to me and we had a clearing conversation. They mentioned what I did, because someone else brought it to their attention, and I knew that I had fucked up. I understood why, we didn’t have the consent of our onlookers before our play began. They didn’t sign up to see that and I could understand how that would be upsetting to someone. I apologized to the producer, made it clear that I understood how I fucked up, and made efforts to do better. So, maybe that was the “incident” that got me fired* in 2019, the thing that happened in 2015 that I thought had been resolved? Maybe that was it, but I don’t fucking know! And that’s why I began to go a little crazy.
The email exchange left me shook because it pulls the thread on one of my greatest fears. As a Black man in America, one of my top three fears is being wrongfully convicted or falsely accused. Google Carolyn Bryant Donham if you don’t immediately understand why that’s a fear of mine. Read the novel “If He Hollers Let Him Go” by Chester Himes if you don’t immediately understand why that’s a fear of mine. Watch this performance where I try to explain why that’s a fear of mine.
To be clear, I’m not saying that the accusation of some “incident backstage” is false. I can’t say that because I have no idea what happened. (If it seems like I’ve mentioned that 10 times it’s because that’s the big issue here, I don’t fucking know. I’ll mention this 10 more times before the post concludes.)
The not knowing sent me down a spiral of fear where I began to question what was being said, maybe it was false, was it going to get me killed because someone hearing their story decided to WhiteKnight the situation and come do me harm, I didn’t know. I began to lose sleep. I began to stare at walls in deep contemplation of my own fate. I began to go on walks for miles just to assuage my fears around potential harm that could come my way due to this mysterious allegation. I began to fear any unfamiliar face in a backstage/burlesque environment. Was it them? Did I upset that person who I don’t even remember meeting? I even went down the, surprisingly frequent, path of mistaken identity. As in, I’ll get a friend request from someone who swears we had a whole ass conversation in Kansas that one time. (I’ve never been to Kansas, not even on a layover.) Any Black burlesque performer will tell you that we often get mistaken for one another. So, yeah, I even questioned if that was the deal in this case. (Before you laugh at that, keep in mind that I’ve had people yell at me IRL because I didn’t accept their friend request. My reason for not accepting was that I didn’t know them and they got mad because THEY knew ME and not the other way round. Let that sink in.)
The nagging question I had was if anyone on the HBF board stopped to ask, on my behalf, “Hey! Did you attempt to resolve this incident with Jet after it happened and before you came to us?” Did anyone ask that? About a year back, a performer was getting dragged in a private FB group. I asked if anyone had talked to them about their transgression. No one had. I sent them a text, jumped on a call, and in 15 minutes they were made aware and they made the effort to make it right. None of that would have happened were it not for SOMEONE asking, “Hey! Did anyone talk to the source of all this?”
I want to circle back to the email exchange and address some text.
“We appreciate your willingness to participate but will no longer need your attendance at this year’s festival, as a performer or a judge.”
Note the use of the words participate and attendance. This makes the letter look like they’ve uninvited me when it was supposed to be a paid gig. They fired* me from a paid headlining spot in a festival. I’m not trying to go after them for money or anything. I was just annoyed at how laissez-faire they were about firing* me. A headliner gig ain’t easy to come by and I’ve worked for years to land such gigs.
“Thank you for reaching out. It was brought to our attention that there was an incident backstage at another venue involving you and another performer. That other performer then did not apply to our festival to avoid another interaction with you. HBF strives to create a safe, inclusive space for our performers and we respond to issues that could jeopardize that safe environment.”
Firing* your headliner on behalf of one potential applicant doesn’t feel like creating an inclusive space for your performers. It sounds like getting rid of a bad PR situation. Call it what it is.
“No one owes me an explanation, I get that.”
I want to address the word owe in case anyone reading this feels that I feel owed an explanation. Don’t nobody owe me shit. I just think it would be kind to tell people why you’re firing* them. Again, not owed, just kind.
“I’m not looking to explain anything, I’m just trying to listen. I, legit, have no idea what happened, when it happened, or who feels this way about me.I just want to know what I did.Just trying to understand what’s being said about me.”
I did not think this was an unreasonable request. I wanted to be clear that I wasn’t going to try to “well, actually” my way out of it. I was not seeking “proof” or any bullshit like that. I just wanted to listen.
“We are not requiring that performer go through a specific process to make their concerns heard.”
Not what I was asking. I just wanted to hear what was being said about me.
“Our decision was centered mainly after the realization this performer would be uncomfortable.There does not need to be a jury determination for a person to feel uncomfortable around another person.”
Circling back to my “I Am Not A Threat” performance, uncomfortable could come from many places. I’ve been described as intense and intimidating my whole life and it’s usually by people who never made an effort to talk to me. There’s prolly 20 people who are uncomfortable around me and I’ve never even met them. Also, my reference to due process wasn’t literal. I wasn’t suggesting a jury.
“We felt that by privately communicating with you and severing the connection this year quietly, it was the best solution for all parties.”
Bullshit. This was a PR move. Fuck your quiet. Fuck sweeping this under the rug. Fuck your “best solution for all parties”. When I was pacing around my apartment and crying at all of the fear this brought up for me, it didn’t feel like any sort of “best solution for all parties”.
I can’t begin to describe to you the spiral of fear that began when I was fired*. I don’t need to share every dismal thought here, just know that it had me all the way fucked up. Check on the strong Black men in your life, we carry loads heavier than most of y’all realize. August 21st was my 42nd birthday and I was dealing with some challenges. I had just lost a lot of money on my passion project burlesque show, The Black Manifest. I had just found out my position at work had been eliminated a few weeks prior. Then came this mysterious allegation. I decided to quit burlesque.
When I told a few colleagues, the responses were mixed. Some people gasped. Some seemed indifferent. Some people said some variation of, “Shit, I don’t blame you!” Most of them asked how they could support me. I told them that I planned on writing this post and I gave them all the same request. I wanted them to avoid respectability politics. People shouldn’t have to find me respectable in order to provide me with open honest communication.
Don’t be out there telling people, “Jet’s always been nice to me! He’s so respectful backstage.” Nah, don’t tell them that. I don’t need you to convince people that I’m nice. Instead, when you see anyone typing about me, ask them if they’ve actually talked to me. “Did anyone talk to Jet about this?” Because being conflict avoidant has caused harm to someone else’s mental health.
After witnessing enough debates on similar subjects in the burlesque scene over the years, I know that if one festival will do this then every show has the potential to do it. Yeah, no thank you. I don’t wish to endure this fear/stress cocktail ever again. I decided that my last day in burlesque will be March 19, 2020, my 10 year burlesqui-versary.
Eleven days later…
…August 30th, 2019 happened. The progressive rock band TOOL released their first album of new material in 13 years, Fear Inoculum! At the time of this writing, I’ve listened to the entire album no less than 35 times. Listening to that album reminded me of unfinished or as yet unpursued burlesque ambitions. I started dancing again. I mean dancing through the aisles at the grocery store dancing. I began creating new choreography again. I mean “I’ll never be able to afford this elaborate group number in my head” choreography. I began my work/trade program with Shawl Anderson Dance Center (SADC). Then I began to consider how I’ve changed since 2010, both as a person and as a performer. For many years, I was afraid to call myself a dancer. Sure, I danced. But, I never felt like I was the “doing 8 hours of rehearsal for the big show” type dancer. I always felt more like the “pretty poses on beat” type dancer. It wasn’t until I fell in love with Jazz dance that I began a different kind of movement training. SADC feels like church to me these days! The dance sessions we have in the Sunday class fill my cup. My cup gets filled up with all of the beauty of expression that we share as a form of communication. If I’m cleaning a dance studio, dancing with a mop to Fear Inoculum on my AirPods, then my cup gets filled with the energy of all dancers who were there before me. If I’m dancing at the lake as my means of rehearsing in a large space, my cup is filled up by the potential I imagine for each act I’m creating. With that creative life breathed back into me, I started to ask myself some questions.
Questions I Asked In The Mirror
Why are you a burlesque performer? I need young Black men to see that it’s okay to get on stage and be a fucking weirdo wearing a Gumby costume. I need other Black men who fear self-expression because of the threat of toxic masculinity to see my CisHet ass out here wearing eyeliner and getting mani/pedis. I do this for every Black boy who was afraid to wear heels because he was already getting his ass kicked in the schoolyard. This is why I produced a show celebrating the full spectrum of Black masculinity. I need the world to see our range instead of only seeing what the media shows us. I need the world to know that we’re not a threat. So, I’ve made it a practice to get on those stages where there would otherwise be no representation of anyone like me. I’ll be a token if it keeps us from being erased.
Yeah, but what if you couldn’t? How bad would you want burlesque if someone/thing were actively blocking you from doing it? I would fight against and move forward. I use the hashtag #GetUp because that’s the only option if you get knocked down. The only fucking option is to get up.
So, yeah. I’m still here. Now that this post has stirred up some shit and highlighted practices that some wanted to handle quietly I’m sure I’ll deal with the fallout from this. Fuck it. What’s a career without a little controversy, right?
~More often than not, people want to do better. You have to allow the space for them to do that by (at the very least) telling them WTF they did.
~Encourage people to resolve their own “uncomfortableness” because #adulting .
~Before you consider a decision that is best for “all parties involved” make sure you’ve considered how your actions could potentially harm any one of the parties involved.
~I quit burlesque because mysterious allegations can get my Black ass killed. Anyone who thinks that’s an over reaction can take a seat and read several history books.
~Then, after about two weeks, I didn’t quit burlesque. Ten years in and I’m just getting started! I want to bring the practices of communities into the burlesque scene. I’ll keep on teaching the workshops on consent. I’ll continue leading discussions on being appropriate backstage. I’ll always be open to clearing conversations when they’re presented.
My motive for writing this was to discourage this sort of incomplete communication in the future. I wrote this to encourage a community to take care of each other, even when we fuck up. Don’t sweep transgressions under the rug. Resolve your own conflicts, bring a professional fighter with you if you’re afraid to talk to someone. Don’t tell people something was said about them without telling them WTF was said! If the result of this is that no future performer has to go through the madness of not knowing what’s being said about them (while knowing something is being said), then I’ll be grateful for that much.
I’m sure you’ve heard the term before, but here are some definitions of mansplaining from the internet.
Mansplain: delighting in condescending, inaccurate explanations delivered with rock solid confidence of rightness and that slimy certainty that of course he is right, because he is the man in this conversation. Example: Even though he knew she had an advanced degree in neuroscience, he felt the need to mansplain “there are molecules in the brain called neurotransmitters” Mansplaining: The tendency of some men to assume that they know more about any given topic than a woman, even if the topic is her area of expertise.
I’m updating this post (originally from 2014) because what was written is still relevant. This is for any men who have embraced the “know-it-all” culture taught to us by the patriarchy. (See also, every TV sitcom centered around a “wise” sort of “Father Knows Best” persona.) So, if you (or someone you know) wishes to avoid unconsciously mansplaining, keep reading. Here are five ways to avoid mansplaining!
ONEBe quiet. Did anyone ask you? If the answer is no, be quiet. Shutting the fuck up is always an option. Scene: You see two women talking about something. Let’s say you’ve recently watched a documentary or a Ted Talk on the subject of their conversation. Let’s say that they’re *gasp* disagreeing with what you learned in that documentary. (You’ve watched an hour and 40 minutes on the subject just yesterday. You’re now an expert on the matter, right!? Probably not.) Take the time to ask yourself, “How does this affect me?” If the conversation you overhear doesn’t affect you, keep it moving and stay in your lane. Even if it does kinda affect you, will the conversation of two people at some house party change the world? Even if they’re talking about a flat earth or their opinions on vaccines, who gives a shit? Being quiet is less stressful than being right.
TWO Remember that unsolicited advice is (you guessed it) unsolicited. I like to use the phrase, “they’ll figure it out” when I’m watching someone attempt to piece a puzzle together. It’s safe to assume that the person doing the thing is a contributing member to society if they are not locked away in a padded cell. So, with that being said, if this human being that has been functioning in society for 20, 30, 40+ years hasn’t asked for my help or advice I won’t offer it. The one exception, of course, is when someone is about to hurt themselves. If that happens, ask for consent to offer advice. “May I offer a suggestion?” and then wait for an enthusiastic yes before you speak. If they say no, just keep it moving. (You’ll notice a common theme in this post about leaving people alone.)
THREE Read body language. There are many forms of communication. There’s written, verbal, eye contact, and body language (just to name a few). Do you know how to read body language? Take a class at the Learning Annex. Google that shit. Figure it out. I’m decent at it because I’m a lifetime student on the subject. Body language can tell you a lot about whether or not someone wants to be bothered with your unsolicited commentary. If you read them right, you can save everyone a waste of time by keeping your distance and checking your ego. It’s worth mentioning that taking a class on body language is a dangerous path to assumption-ville. As an example, I know a lot of dancers (myself included) that get accused of being cocky because we always walk with good posture, head up, chest out, back straight sort of posture. Self-named experts on body language think they can read minds because they took a class and now mansplain to the masses about what my posture means. When you start mansplaining, watch the body language of the people to whom you speak. Do they seem defensive (arms crossing, when they hadn’t been crossed before) or disappointed that someone has arrived to over talk them (shoulders notably slumping)? If you sense a general shift in energy from a lively conversation to a “Who TF is this guy?” vibe, it’s not them, it’s you (and your mansplaining). There are other cues to seek, just know that you should pay attention to how others seem to receive your presence, mansplaining or not.
FOUR Remember that you don’t know everything. There is a difference between your way of doing things and the right way of doing things. The right way is subjective. There are many ways to get a cat’s skin. Ask yourself, “Am I bothered because that person isn’t doing it the way that I would do it?” Keep asking yourself, “Does that make it wrong?” (Hint: It doesn’t.) I remember sending out an email to my colleagues. One of them started to give me her* opinion on it… before she’d finished reading all of it (more on that later). A second person didn’t even read it because (and this is a direct quote) “it was too long”. He went on to claim that he knew exactly what I had to say based on the subject line of the email. Really? Another way that this can be stated is, “Don’t Make Assumptions”. But, if you’ve already read “The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz that wouldn’t be a new lesson. It’s been said that wise people know they still have lots to learn. The arrogantly intelligent crowd won’t hesitate to wear their degree on their sleeve and speak of their ‘higher learning’ as if it actually makes them a better human. Shocking news: A Master’s degree means that you were a good student. It doesn’t (necessarily) mean that you’re intelligent. You know nothing in the grand scheme of life and all of the knowledge there is to acquire. The sooner you accept this, the sooner you will continue learning from the world around you and the less likely you’ll be to mansplain to someone. You don’t know everything. None of us do.
FIVE Ask for permission. There have been times when I had freshly learned something and wanted to tell everyone because I thought it was the greatest information ever! How did I share the info without mansplaining? I asked for permission. A simple, “May I share something with you that I just learned?” will make a huge difference between a mansplanation and sharing knowledge. By stating that I just learned the thing, I’m humbling myself to the person so that they can understand I am not coming from a position of arrogance. Be prepared for “no” to be the answer to a proposition of sharing what you know. No means no, keep it moving and don’t take it personally.
Listen more than you speak. Never stop learning. Your degree in Physics doesn’t mean that you know how to drive a car. Mansplaining isn’t always about men ‘splaining to women. I’ve seen women do it to men (*see the first anecdote in step 4 wherein she tried to share an opinion without all of the information) and every gender combination you can imagine. Mansplaining has more to do with arrogance/assumption than gender. Keep your ego in check. Above all else, seek to understand before attempting to be understood.