Dating (A Brief History + Current Mood) Part 3 of 3

In any pattern, we must examine the constants. The first constant is me, I’ve been working on myself to be a better man and (potential) partner for 20+ years. I still work on this daily. During the “let’s stop dating” conversation, I never ask “what’s wrong with me” because any answer would be based on that one woman’s perception. The perception of one woman shouldn’t guide my decisions on how I navigate this life. One woman offered me feedback after we’d been on two dates. Like, WTF do you even know about me after two dates. You haven’t been to my house, met my cats, talked on the phone with my mama, you don’t know shit about me yet you offer feedback!? People are funny. So, I’ve made a conscious decision to leave my heart at home when I go out and meet up with someone. I’ll be clear about that when spending time with women. My heart is in a cocoon at the moment, it will emerge when the time is right.

The second constant is the type of women I date. I had to look for similarities in all of the women who couldn’t quite figure out why they didn’t wish to partner with me (yet they knew for certain that they didn’t want that). Once I figured out those similarities, I began to see things a bit differently. This is a statement based on experience, not ego. I have no trouble finding women who want to fuck me. Hypothetically speaking, how many of those same women would desire partnership with someone like me. Here’s the part where I would list all of, what I consider to be, my attributes. I’m not going to do that. I’m confident that I would be a good partner and father, I don’t need to convince my subscribers (you). I’m confident in this statement, not because I’m perfect and not because I’m done with my own development. I’m confident in this statement because I’m still willing to learn, grow, and be/do better as I unlearn toxic habits from my upbringing. I have no intention of meeting women and interrogating them as to whether or not they would partner with someone like me or not. Instead, I’ll just take more time trying to understand where their head/heart is before we make sweet bonings. 🙂 (Side note: I have no problem fucking on or before the first date. But, if I really like someone, that sex might get my heart involved before I understand whether or not she wants her heart to be involved or not. So, slowing down makes more sense in these cases.)

This is the first time in years that I’ve been completely unattached, romantically. Sure there are people that I care about, but they are all in cities miles away from me and (you guessed it) they all have partners. “Jet, I thought you were polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous or whatever TF! Why do you care if you get romantically involved with someone who has a partner?” Great question. I want to start a family. I want to partner with someone and share a dwelling. I have a wonderful life and I wish to share all of that wonder with someone who feels like a close friend. The only way any of that can happen is if she has space in her life and the desire to build the same. I know how to be everyone’s lover while respecting and allowing space for their erstwhile partnership. I want to be a part of the partnership that I wish to see in the world.

How will I find a partner? I don’t fucking know. If I knew that, I wouldn’t be writing this sappy blog post. I’m not looking for suggestions on how to meet someone. I’m also not looking for match making suggestions. I just needed to write this out because of my current mood. I’m a cisgender, heterosexual, Black man, who practices varying degrees of ethical non-monogamy. I, literally, know three other men like me in the entire world. I’m a goddamn unicorn. However, if two of those three men have partners/families then I’m left with a cup of optimism. I’ll take sips along this dating journey in order to make sure I have enough fuel to not stop altogether.

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Dating (A Brief History + Current Mood) Part 2 of 3

What happened to change my views on dating? Over the span of ~30 days, ~15 dates cancelled, rescheduled, flaked, or just plain stood me the fuck up. I got tired of being everyone’s option, yet feeling like no one made me a priority. It was as if I was fucking everyone’s partner. Actually, I kinda was fucking everyone else’s partner. To be clear, I’m not above being someone’s side piece. But, when I began to feel like that was ALL that I was to the people on my social calendar, I decided to make a change. I want to be clear on something. I felt that way and I’m the owner of my feelings. Please note that I’m not saying “they made me feel” any type of way. I’ve never supported that phrase. People don’t “make me feel”, people just do things and my heart responds in a certain way based on my own perception and past experiences. I hold myself accountable for my past, my perceptions, and my feelings.

“Jet, do you want kids?” This question pops up at times and my answer has changed over the years. The answer has never been a simple yes or no because, it depends. Today, my answer is simple. I want a family. Whether that looks like me and a partner with no kids, a partner and a few kids, or a partner and a few animals in the yard, I want a family. The way I see it, if I get tied to the idea of having kids and I meet someone who has difficulty with conception and she doesn’t wish to adopt, I’m not going to just leave her. Shit, we could just put on a puppet show for kids at a local theater or something. We can figure all of that out later.

I’ve gone off on several tangents. The reason I began writing this is because I’ve decided to follow my own advice. I’ve often challenged people by asking why they keep allowing flakes to exist in their lives and meow I’ve decided to cut them out of mine.

I’ve stopped scheduling play dates. When you spend the entire week/day looking forward to making sweet love (or as my friend Mary says, making sweet bonings) only to receive a last minute cancellation or to be stood up (yes, that happens IRL and not just on sitcoms) well it fucking stinks. I get it, life happens and sometimes plans can’t be kept. So, I’ll give the benefit of the doubt on one late notice cancel. If there’s a second one, IDGAF about the reason, then I’m done scheduling anything with that person.

I’ve started leaving my heart at home. My heart is fragile. I’ve lost count of the number of women with whom I’ve wanted to partner who just didn’t see me in that same light. I’ve lost count of the women who’ve said, I’d done nothing wrong, they just weren’t feeling it. I’ve lost count of the women who’ve said, they weren’t sure why or what it was about me, but for some reason they just couldn’t see themselves partnering with me. Fuck, I remember one woman even said to me that she was going to wait for something better to come along. Let that one sink in for a bit.

Be sure to subscribe so that part 3 will cozy up to your inbox.

Ethical Non-Monogamy

November 18th marked the 52nd wedding anniversary of my parents. They still live in the house in which I was raised. I grew up subscribing to the standard narrative that both monogamy and matrimony were “normal”. I expected both for my life’s journey before I ever began dating or having sex. However, the second time I ever had sex I kept thinking, “If this feels so stellar… I wonder how magnificent it feels with everyone else!?” I suppressed that feeling because I felt as if I was doing something wrong by even thinking those thoughts. It took me years of shaking off societal norms to realize that there is nothing wrong with this manner of thinking.
 
“Hello, Lawd! It’s me again. I just want to make love to the whole world and all her girlfriends. Now, don’t that make ya mind move?” -André 3000
 
There have been plenty of books written on the subject of ethical non-monogamy from various perspectives. The Ethical Slut and Sex at Dawn are two books, which I’m fond of, on the subject.

 
On my parents 43rd anniversary, I asked my mom what her secret was for staying together for so many years. “When we got married, I sat yo father down and told him that he could do whatever he wanted to do out in the streets… as long as he didn’t bring that shit home!” From that moment, I began to wonder if they practiced a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell brand of ethical non-monogamy.
 
Ethical Non-Monogamy is an umbrella term that has differently nuanced definitions based on who you ask and their perception. Polyamory is also an umbrella term. Some will argue that these terms are interchangeable and some will argue that they are not. Do your own digging, understanding, and defining. Just be sure to define for others what these terms mean to YOU before you start dating.
 
When I was introduced to the idea that couples could commit to one another without being exclusive, my entire worldview began to change. My parents have always supported my brand of love and commitment whether I was a serial monogamist, solo poly, and even now as an ethical non-monogamist. It turns out the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Each of the aforementioned terms means something unique to me.
 
A serial monogamist is a person who is in perpetual search for “the one” and will even pack up and move to a new city in order to find them. I’ve lived in 5 major cities. Someone once asked what I was running from and the truth was that I was running to something, or so I thought. I was searching for the one. Once I decided that I would not find her in Atlanta, I moved to Las Vegas, then San Diego, and so on. Serial monogamists have a tendency to leap from one relationship to the next without taking time to be alone and learn about their own patterns and behaviors. Because of that unwillingness to be alone, they end up repeating the same mistakes in the next relationship. The mistake that I kept making was that I expected my partner to be my everything. I like to use the restaurant analogy. I agreed to eat at one restaurant as long as we were together. While that restaurant served a lot of my favorite foods, there were times when I wanted something off the menu. When I couldn’t enjoy that one dish that wasn’t an option, I began to complain to the manager of the restaurant (read: sabotage the relationship and start drama). It took some time by myself to understand why I was doing that. The short version of why is simple. No one person can/should ever be “everything” to someone else. Talk about a heavy load to carry!
 
Someone who is Solo Poly(amorous) is a person who will not allow another to dictate what they do with their heart (emotional connection with others) or body (physical connection with others). Solo poly people maintain friendships and loverships with multiple people while setting their own rules for how they navigate their lives. Solo poly people are never in a partnership that is rife with agreements and negotiations. This lifestyle isn’t for everyone.
 
Recently, I’ve discovered that I am an ethical non-monogamist. The list of people with whom I’ve wanted to begin a partnership is a short list. Like “six people in 15 years” short list. If you control for the quantity of those six who reciprocated my feelings, the list drops to three in 15 years. I don’t take the word partner lightly. I need to know that if we’re stuck in an action movie scenario, my partner can get us both to safety. I have no desire to date damsels in this dress or that one. Knowing this about myself, the thought of seeking or nurturing multiple partnerships doesn’t appeal to me. However, I still don’t want my partner to be my everything. I’m happy to build a partnership and possibly start a family. I only want that with one person while still maintaining other loverships. I don’t wish to have a primary. Such language allows for the subtext of secondaries and tertiaries. I don’t believe in ranking people. That feels shitty to me. But, above all else, I just want the freedom to be honest.
 
I found it difficult to be honest when I was a monogamist. We’ve heard all of the silly love songs about only having eyes for one person and all that jazz. The very idea that my partner will find no one attractive other than me is both arrogant and stupid. Over the years, I’ve had many fights with monogamy-minded (M&M) partners when I honestly shared with them that I thought so and so was attractive. Their response was to have the hurtest of butts and to hold that over my head for months. “Why don’t you just go fuck that girl on the beach from the other day!?” The other day… that was a year ago! You see, when people feel punished for being honest, it reduces the likelihood of them divulging other information. Then they live in the grey area between lying and withholding information.
 
In the practice of ethical non-monogamy, I’m more upfront and honest than I’ve ever been. “Jet, why couldn’t you be that honest when you were monogamous?” is a question I hear often. There are loads of unspoken expectations that come along with being monogamous. One of which is to never openly communicate your desires, even when you have no intent to act on them. Don’t believe me? Tell your partner that you want to have sex with one of their family members. Even with no intent to act on it, just be honest about finding their sister/brother/cousin sexually attractive and that they could get it. *I’ll wait* See what I mean? People find my honesty refreshing, but for some people I can be a bit too much. I get that. I often don’t last with those people and I’m good with that.
 
Through ethical non-monogamous communities, I’ve found myself in workshops ranging from better ways to communicate all the way to better ways to eat pussy. I don’t know that I would have found my way to some of these workshops as an M&M. I either wouldn’t have been invited or my M&M partner would have expressed contentment with how I do (insert theme of the workshop) and try to dissuade me from attending. I welcome this form of education that helps me to be a more attentive lover and communicator. When dealing with women who have internalized misogyny or rape culture, I’ve found myself actually coaching them on acceptable rules of engagement. Once, I asked a lover if she wanted to play. She replied with a drawn out “mmmaaaaaybe” to which I replied, I don’t understand maybe. I understand yes or no. Before she could respond, I got up and prepped to leave. She lamented that I just needed to “push a little harder.” Nope, nope, and fuck no! I went on to explain that the responsibility of consent should never be on the man to push or convince her in any way. “No one should tell you what to do with your body.” She thought I was a bit too much or too serious. That’s fine. I’m just grateful that my time in ethically non-monogamous communities has taught me to approach sex in a much more respectful way. I used to be a convincer. You know, “ComeOnBaby!ComeOnBaby!ComeOnBaby!ComeOnBaby!ComeOnBaby!” until sex happened. But, that’s not cool now and it wasn’t cool then. I’m just glad that I know better. \
 
Honesty, improved communication, and greater empathy are the reasons I’ve stayed on this life path. I am an ethical non-monagamist because of the freedom to be honest and share information with my partner and lovers without worry of arguments over undisclosed expectations. I am an ethical non-monagamist because these communities are sex positive and respectful of how sex should be approached. We talk out our agreements and have respectful discourse. Any time I get involved with someone, they know everything that comes along with dating me before the first date. That way, they’re able to make an informed decision. At that point, it’s up to them to decide if they think I’m “too much” for their palette.
If you have any more thoughts on ethical non-monogamy, feel free to comment below with your questions.

Disclosing If You’re Transgender Before A Date

There’s been a lot of controversy as to whether a transgender person should/should not does/doesn’t have to disclose their status as trans before a date. While there are arguments on both sides, I think the piece most angry internetters (because no one talks about important issues in person any more) are missing is the trigger that comes along with “should/should not” and “have to” language. I haven’t met many people who enjoy being told what to do (while their clothes are on). When a person who has never lived in a transgender body/mind/spirit tells an entire community what they should/shouldn’t be doing as they navigate their lives through 2017, tempers flare (and rightfully so)! I’m a cisgender heterosexual male. Before you roll your eyes, know that I’m not telling you that to make this about me. I’m telling you that because I’m NOT here to tell the transgender community what they should/shouldn’t do. I’m certainly not going to tell anyone how to date. I’m no expert at dating. I am going to offer my opinion on the matter. But, you figured that out when you subscribed to or clicked on this blog. That’s what blogs are, right? Just some random internetter sharing an opinion that is just that, an opinion.

No, [You] Don’t Have To Tell [Me You’re] Trans Before Dating [Me], but it would be nice if you felt safe enough to do so. Many transgender people fear for their safety. Because of this, not revealing their status as trans becomes a matter of keeping themselves safe. I’d like to think that we understand the basic need of self-preservation. So, before you get angry and argue the counterpoint, Yes, You Do Need To Tell Me You’re Trans Before Dating Me, stop and consider the other person’s position. Looking at this from my perspective, I have the societal privilege of being cisgender. I refer to that as a privilege because a.) many people would call me “normal”. (In general, I don’t use words like normal or weird due to the subjective nature of both. This is why I’ve used quotations around normal.) b.) As a cisgender man, I don’t have to fear violence if I walk into a room and announce to all within earshot that I’M CISGENDER! No one would care. No one would threaten to beat me. No one makes jokes on radio shows about killing cisgender men. So, to some degree, I am privileged.

I’m of the opinion (there’s that word again) that no person, or entity (talking about the Universe/God/Karma/insert deity here), owes us anything. Say it out loud, throughout your day. THE WORLD DOESN’T OWE ME ANYTHING! A transgender person certainly doesn’t owe it to me to tell me the journey of their physical vessel before we date. I would like to think that if they’ve agreed to a date with me, they would feel safe enough to share this detail with me. To be clear, they don’t owe it to me. They don’t have to, nor am I saying they should. I just want them to feel safe enough to do so. Much like when I ask a cisgender woman on a date, I hope that she feels safe enough to be alone with me (in a car or on a walk). Rape culture has given cisgender women plenty of reasons to fear being alone with men on a first date. Because of that fear, I’ve given my driver’s license number and my plates to girlfriends of the women I’ve taken out for the first time. Transphobia has given transgender women plenty of reasons to fear disclosing their status.

Let’s assume that a transgender woman does feel safe enough to disclose their status as trans to me before our first date. Does that feeling of safety mean that they should? Of course not, they don’t owe me anything. It would be nice to know. When inviting someone to sleep over, I disclose that I snor. When inviting someone over to my home, I ask if they’re allergic to cats (I have two). When offering to cook dinner for a lover, I ask about her dietary restrictions. I don’t have to do any of those things. I choose to out of courtesy and the fact that there are no safety concerns. For any transgender woman I may ask out in the future, I do hope that you will feel safe enough to know that you are empowered (not required) to tell me your status.

I once asked a woman on a date. They agreed. The date didn’t happen due to a calendar mix up. I later found out that they were trans, pre-op. I wasn’t mad. I was just left to wonder, when were they going to tell me? I’m of the opinion (there it is again) that if I don’t get the answer I seek, it’s my job to ask a better question. Let’s consider their pre-op status as a transgender woman the answer. What I learned from that experience was to open lines of communication before future dates. (Please note that opening lines of communication is not a euphemism for interrogation.)

So, I’ll leave you with this. If you’re transgender, I do hope that you’re dating people who have been vetted and/or vouched for as non-violent, open-minded, and possibly pansexual so that you do feel safe enough to disclose your status as trans. The dating pool is tough. Adding another component like that will only make that pool shallow. I get that. I’ve found that at this stage in my dating career, if she can’t accept the fact that I’m a sex worker, MMJ user (not abuser), and I’m polyamorous, then she’s not worth my time. I try to disclose all of that before our first date. If you don’t feel safe enough to disclose your status to your potential date, there’s a good chance they’re not worth your time. If you’re cisgender, don’t tell other groups what they do/don’t have to disclose. You’re encouraged to start a conversation about your own identity. You’re encouraged to let it be known if dating someone who has genitalia that does not match your sexuality is off putting. You’re encouraged to open safe lines of communication. For the love of [insert deity], don’t tell other people what to do.

The next time you (I) fall in love…

Dear Jet,

If you’re reading this letter that Past Jet wrote to you, then it may already be too late. You fall in love too easily. To be clear, you make excellent choices in the quality human beings you’ve chosen to give your heart. But, far too often, you’ve given that heart so freely and with such intensity that you may have created a whirlwind. Her head may be spinning. Everything that I’m about to tell you is based on past experiences. This isn’t about focusing on past mistakes. This reminder is about learning from your personal history.

In the beginning, you’ll want to give her everything. You’ll write her poems, buy her flowers, find songs that are just for her, and you’ll also give her your willingness. You will make yourself available in any way feasible. Because of your rule of relationships (never start any romantic habit/gesture that you’re not willing to maintain for the life of the relationship) you’ll only do the aforementioned activities if your heart leads you down that path. But, pump your brakes. All of those are beautiful gestures, but have you asked if those are the gestures that she wants? Do those gestures have the same emotional weight for her as they do for you? If you’re unsure of the answer to that question, then drive slow.

Imagine running down the Walgreens Holiday aisle on February 15th and buying all the red V-day things. Then imagine dumping all of those things on her doorstep when she’s not home. That would seem like some stalker shit, right? After the stories friends tell you about the lameness of the average dude, by comparison, a few romantic gestures can feel like that Walgreens dump approach when you display affection.

Dude, it’s like you have this habit of asking your new love interest to bend over so that you can stitch your Peacock feathers onto her bare backside with a needle! “See! Don’t you see how much I dig you! I’m so willing to give all of me!” *Boom* Jet, don’t try so goddamned hard! I’ll spare you the list of names, but I will give you a time line. Roughly every 12-18 months, you meet “her” and begin to believe in magic again. You start getting stupid as fuck and all dumb in the eyeballs, seeing her and becoming less responsive to your other lovers. But, this letter isn’t meant to reprimand you. Past Jet wants to give you a new course of action. So, here are 7 things (in no particular order) I want you to do/remember the next time you fall in love.

1.) Be the Peacock, but don’t encroach on her emotional space. Strut with humility and be your beautiful self. Give her a chance to see the real you underneath those feathers instead of figuratively pushing into her field of vision. If she sees you, great. If she doesn’t see you, keep it moving, that’s not her.

2.) Don’t lie to yourself about her perfection. She’s a human being. She’s just as flawed as you. At the same time, don’t look for her flaws either.

3.) Re-read the Four Agreements. When you turn into a dumb bunny in wuv… twu wuv, you forget the four pillars of sanity and a drama-free life.

4.) Pay more attention to her actions than her words. She will do the same when she receives your messages, trust.

5.) Speak to her about how the two of you define Polyamory, how the two of you define terms like Primary Partner or Anchor. Don’t go past the second date without having this conversation.

6.) Look at your time together through several lenses. To date someone for 12 months when she lives over 500 miles away is very different than that time you dated your neighbor. To know someone for 8 months, having only gone on 12 dates, means you’ve only gone on a date about every 2.5 weeks. Unless you’ve been on the phone every night like an eighth grader, you probably don’t know this woman very well. Remember that you don’t truly know a human until you’ve seen some range of emotions. Anger is very telling. Have you seen her angry yet? She doesn’t have to be angry with you, just annoyed at something. Until you see her explore some range of emotion (not just anger) you don’t know her. Don’t start thinking about moving in together or buying rings and shit. Calm down. (Note: Knowing basic trivia like middle name or her cousin’s birthday doesn’t mean you know her.)

7.) Your parents have an adorable “how they met” story. Your mom had a crush on your dad from the moment that your mom’s friend introduced the two of them. Your dad asked your mom to move in after he got tired of walking to the corner store to call her from the pay phone. Fast forward 50+ years later, they’re still together. Yes, that’s a cool story, Bro. But, that doesn’t mean that you’re supposed to have a similar destiny. The Universe doesn’t owe you a storybook relationship.

It’s true, it would be nice to have an emotional anchor. It would be nice to embrace romance, love, trust, and passion with a partner that “gets you” (whatever TF that means). But, the truth of the matter is that you can’t just go out and pick “her” up at the Gently Used Partner Dealership like some goddamned object. Further, you can’t “find” her like Indiana fucking Jones while ruining artifacts of ancient cultures. The Universe is not conspiring to bring you two together. The Universe gives not one fuck about the dating habits of humans any more than it cares about the sexual mating habits of Bonobos. You’re on your own. If you happen to meet someone that happens to meet you and that spirit of reciprocity shines in all of your interactions, great! The important thing (for your sanity) is to not expect that to happen. Romantic love and romantic partners are not promised to us.

The truly important thing is to be open to love.
She will see your open heart.
Be accepting of who she is
and she will walk right in.
There is no pre-conceived mold
into which she must fit.

The next time you fall in love,
learn from your past experience
without reliving your past traumas.

Kiss her like every touch on her lips will be the last
and be completely present with her.
Be cool.
Ice cold.
Warm center.
Open heart.
When you feel her reciprocity,
then the dance can start.

Love,

Past Jet

Sex Gets Me Up: Energy For A Busy Life, Part 4/7

Sex as a form of caffeine. A ridiculous concept that I hope all of you are willing to try.

I drink about 2.5 cups of coffee a day. The half cup is just re-using the grinds from the first cup to make a cup of decaf. (Other wise, I’d be drinking 3-4 cups of the high octane giddyup and that would be no fun for anyone involved, trust!) While I try to time my caffeine intake so that I get the most bang for my cup, there’s a better form of caffeine available in limited quantities. It’s called sex, people. You can have it hot, iced, wet, or with (wait for it)… room for cream HA!

Screen Shot 2016-03-21 at 14.54.40

But, seriously folks, this week’s post is part 4 in a 7 part series about how I keep up my high energy levels. The coffee was no secret and it certainly wasn’t worth an entire post on how coffee works. This post will be written for those of you that have experienced orgasmic narcolepsy. Others that may benefit from this post may be those that have been told to “think about Baseball” to avoid cumming too soon. (That was the advice floating around 20 years ago. I pray to the great Boogie Monster in the sky that no one is still doling out that nonsense these days.)

There’s a book that I’ve tried to read more than twice. It’s called “The Multi-Orgasmic Man.” It’s a well-written book with some interesting techniques for, what the authors refer to as, Sexual Kung Fu. However, there was a little thing I had trouble getting my head around. It was le petit mort (the little death). For those of you that are orgasmically narcoleptic, there’s a chance you’ve read about it. The distilled version of the concept is that the human body works so hard to produce that ejaculate (from the penis or the vagina) that we experience a sort of death, in the most pleasurable sense of the word. The book suggests that the process of ejaculating makes us weak, zaps our energy, and makes it difficult for us to focus. Because of that, the book teaches men the difference between having an orgasm and ejaculating. I’ve had trouble getting behind the theory because my body doesn’t always work that way. There have been times when ejaculating has helped me to focus in finish writing that paper. However, the lessons taught in the book about having an orgasm and distributing the sexual energy of that orgasm throughout the body have helped me to have sex with greater frequency and a “2nd wind” of energy afterwards.

“Jet, you’re crazy! If I make the sweet loves, I’m done. I’m giving all of my energy to my partner and I won’t have anything left to give after the fact. I certainly won’t have more energy!” Stay with me on this one, what if you changed the way you thought about sex? Let’s go back to that “think about Baseball” silliness. What do you think about during sex? I find that gratitude can be invigorating. The words “thank you” are on a constant loop in my head during sex. I try to express appreciation for every way in which my partner has given herself to me. I express that appreciation with my thoughts, actions, and kind (albeit few) words. In the moments that my fingers touch her skin or when my fingers interlace with hers, I tap into her energy while sending her mine. That exchange is invigorating. Instead of thinking about something removed from the presence of our interaction (read: Baseball) I think about her. I think about how grateful I am that we’re sharing this experience. I think about all of the interesting smells and poetic sounds. I take it all in as energy and it excites me. The sensory stimulation makes my heart race and stays with me for hours (sometimes days) after an encounter.

Killing myself (as in the little death) is of no interest to me. So, ejaculating isn’t a goal of mine during sex. I’d rather have an orgasm from the energy exchange and carry that energetic high with me throughout the rest of my day. If you’re reading this and you are sexually active, consider sex an opportunity to connect with your partner on an energetic level. WTF does that mean? Have you ever had a hug in which you or the other person, audibly exhaled and proclaimed “I needed that”? That’s what it feels like to connect with someone energetically. I’ve seen posture change, smiles brighten, and attitudes adjust with a hug. Imagine the power of sex as an energetic exchange. In such an exchange, try to be energetically philanthropic in your encounters. Give your energy to your partner as you connect with them on a deeper level. If they’re following the Four Rs of good sex then the Reciprocity they give will provide the energy you need for your daily life. I once asked a woman out for a coffee. When she said that she was tired, I took it as a polite, “no thank you, I’m not interested.” Coffee (often) resolves tired. Hopefully, the sex (and energetic exchange) you have resolves tired. We can be too tired for many things, but hopefully not things that resolve tired. I challenge you all to change the way you think about sex.

Sex gives me energy.
*say it with me*
Sex gives me energy.
*say it with me*
Sex gives me energy.