Dating (A Brief History + Current Mood) Part 3 of 3

In any pattern, we must examine the constants. The first constant is me, I’ve been working on myself to be a better man and (potential) partner for 20+ years. I still work on this daily. During the “let’s stop dating” conversation, I never ask “what’s wrong with me” because any answer would be based on that one woman’s perception. The perception of one woman shouldn’t guide my decisions on how I navigate this life. One woman offered me feedback after we’d been on two dates. Like, WTF do you even know about me after two dates. You haven’t been to my house, met my cats, talked on the phone with my mama, you don’t know shit about me yet you offer feedback!? People are funny. So, I’ve made a conscious decision to leave my heart at home when I go out and meet up with someone. I’ll be clear about that when spending time with women. My heart is in a cocoon at the moment, it will emerge when the time is right.

The second constant is the type of women I date. I had to look for similarities in all of the women who couldn’t quite figure out why they didn’t wish to partner with me (yet they knew for certain that they didn’t want that). Once I figured out those similarities, I began to see things a bit differently. This is a statement based on experience, not ego. I have no trouble finding women who want to fuck me. Hypothetically speaking, how many of those same women would desire partnership with someone like me. Here’s the part where I would list all of, what I consider to be, my attributes. I’m not going to do that. I’m confident that I would be a good partner and father, I don’t need to convince my subscribers (you). I’m confident in this statement, not because I’m perfect and not because I’m done with my own development. I’m confident in this statement because I’m still willing to learn, grow, and be/do better as I unlearn toxic habits from my upbringing. I have no intention of meeting women and interrogating them as to whether or not they would partner with someone like me or not. Instead, I’ll just take more time trying to understand where their head/heart is before we make sweet bonings. 🙂 (Side note: I have no problem fucking on or before the first date. But, if I really like someone, that sex might get my heart involved before I understand whether or not she wants her heart to be involved or not. So, slowing down makes more sense in these cases.)

This is the first time in years that I’ve been completely unattached, romantically. Sure there are people that I care about, but they are all in cities miles away from me and (you guessed it) they all have partners. “Jet, I thought you were polyamorous or ethically non-monogamous or whatever TF! Why do you care if you get romantically involved with someone who has a partner?” Great question. I want to start a family. I want to partner with someone and share a dwelling. I have a wonderful life and I wish to share all of that wonder with someone who feels like a close friend. The only way any of that can happen is if she has space in her life and the desire to build the same. I know how to be everyone’s lover while respecting and allowing space for their erstwhile partnership. I want to be a part of the partnership that I wish to see in the world.

How will I find a partner? I don’t fucking know. If I knew that, I wouldn’t be writing this sappy blog post. I’m not looking for suggestions on how to meet someone. I’m also not looking for match making suggestions. I just needed to write this out because of my current mood. I’m a cisgender, heterosexual, Black man, who practices varying degrees of ethical non-monogamy. I, literally, know three other men like me in the entire world. I’m a goddamn unicorn. However, if two of those three men have partners/families then I’m left with a cup of optimism. I’ll take sips along this dating journey in order to make sure I have enough fuel to not stop altogether.

Dating (A Brief History + Current Mood) Part 2 of 3

What happened to change my views on dating? Over the span of ~30 days, ~15 dates cancelled, rescheduled, flaked, or just plain stood me the fuck up. I got tired of being everyone’s option, yet feeling like no one made me a priority. It was as if I was fucking everyone’s partner. Actually, I kinda was fucking everyone else’s partner. To be clear, I’m not above being someone’s side piece. But, when I began to feel like that was ALL that I was to the people on my social calendar, I decided to make a change. I want to be clear on something. I felt that way and I’m the owner of my feelings. Please note that I’m not saying “they made me feel” any type of way. I’ve never supported that phrase. People don’t “make me feel”, people just do things and my heart responds in a certain way based on my own perception and past experiences. I hold myself accountable for my past, my perceptions, and my feelings.

“Jet, do you want kids?” This question pops up at times and my answer has changed over the years. The answer has never been a simple yes or no because, it depends. Today, my answer is simple. I want a family. Whether that looks like me and a partner with no kids, a partner and a few kids, or a partner and a few animals in the yard, I want a family. The way I see it, if I get tied to the idea of having kids and I meet someone who has difficulty with conception and she doesn’t wish to adopt, I’m not going to just leave her. Shit, we could just put on a puppet show for kids at a local theater or something. We can figure all of that out later.

I’ve gone off on several tangents. The reason I began writing this is because I’ve decided to follow my own advice. I’ve often challenged people by asking why they keep allowing flakes to exist in their lives and meow I’ve decided to cut them out of mine.

I’ve stopped scheduling play dates. When you spend the entire week/day looking forward to making sweet love (or as my friend Mary says, making sweet bonings) only to receive a last minute cancellation or to be stood up (yes, that happens IRL and not just on sitcoms) well it fucking stinks. I get it, life happens and sometimes plans can’t be kept. So, I’ll give the benefit of the doubt on one late notice cancel. If there’s a second one, IDGAF about the reason, then I’m done scheduling anything with that person.

I’ve started leaving my heart at home. My heart is fragile. I’ve lost count of the number of women with whom I’ve wanted to partner who just didn’t see me in that same light. I’ve lost count of the women who’ve said, I’d done nothing wrong, they just weren’t feeling it. I’ve lost count of the women who’ve said, they weren’t sure why or what it was about me, but for some reason they just couldn’t see themselves partnering with me. Fuck, I remember one woman even said to me that she was going to wait for something better to come along. Let that one sink in for a bit.

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