Find My Friends [Part 4/4]: Get Your đź’© Together

I was once asked what type of work shop I would create (of the self-improvement variety) to which I promptly replied, “Get your đź’© together!” People laughed. I was serious. Before you continue reading, know that much of what I’ll write will sound judgmental.

It’s worth mentioning… We’re all judgmental. All human beings are judgmental as a means of self-preservation. Does that situation look dangerous? Let me judge it and walk away. The next time you call someone judgmental, know that we all are… to varying degrees.

Well, is that situation over there dangerous? Here’s a better question. Is that person’s personal life a potential detriment to my life in any way? If the answer is yes, RUN the other way. In part 4, the conclusion, of how I find/keep friends in my life I’d like to point out how other people’s drama makes it easy to keep distance.

We’ve all met that person that always has something going on. You’ve gotten to the point where you’re afraid to ask, “how ya doin?” for fear of getting an earful. Someone is always out to get them at their job. Someone is always hatin on them. They’re always short on rent yet they have enough money to buy/smoke a pack a day. (Cigarettes cost anywhere from $5-$14 a pack depending on your state of residence, that’s $2,190-$5,110 a year!) You know that person that hasn’t cleaned their apartment since the Devil was a baby*, yet they’re constantly surprised that they keeping losing/misplacing things? You know that person that’s always late to every goddamned thing ever? You know that person that’s always busy, but chooses to lament in lieu of delegate? You know that person that won’t admit that they have a problem? You know that Dougie or Debbie Downer that just drags the entire room into the fucking pits? Sometimes all of these jokers are wrapped up into one person. Sometimes, they are separate people.

*”Since the Devil was a baby” is a phrase that I got from my Mama that was born in Fairfield, AL. I don’t believe in the Devil, but the legend is an old one and the saying is hilarious to me.

It’s worth mentioning… The majority of all personal drama can be traced back to one of the four agreements being broken.

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Let’s clear some things up about the people that I mentioned above. The fearful, insecure, money mismanaging, second-hand smoke delivering, messy, disorganized, tardy, workaholic, addicted, and/or pessimistic humans need compassion and patience. They probably need it more than the rest of us. (Let’s be real, I fit into a few of the aforementioned categories at times. Sometimes, my đź’© is not together.) This post is not suggesting that you turn your back on these people. Help people that need and request your help. Make a difference with the love you share. Just beware of a subtle savior complex. Don’t think that you’ve been put here to fix people or to get their 💩 together for them. Help those that request it and give them all of the compassion and patience you have to give. In doing so, be sure to delineate between helping a fellow human being and taking someone on as a project because you “refuse to turn your back on a friend.” There is a semi-permeable membrane that separates two friends. Their drama becomes your drama by way of osmosis. How many times have you had to help a specific friend out of a jam? How much stress do you have in your life because of the stress they have in their life? No thank you.

One of my first steps, when I began anger management was to make myself acutely aware of the people in my life. Was I surrounding myself with angry, dramatic people that always had something going on? Were my friends always bitching about this or that? They were! Those fuckers had to go! I was handing out friendship divorce papers on the regular! (This was 20 years ago, there was no unfriend button to click. You had to look someone in the eye and explain why you wanted to end the friendship. It was a spectacular time! Those conversations were hard but necessary.)

The obvious next step was to carefully select the new friends in my life. Much like dating, it makes more sense to know a little something about a friend before the first time you hang out. I found that a moderate level of ambition, accountability, and self-awareness was a requirement for any of my friends. I’m going to challenge you all to require the same. The cocktail of ambition/accountability/self-awareness creates a person that takes ownership for how their life choices have lead them to their current life situation while expressing desire (and action) to make the necessary changes that will break destructive patterns. Some of the people I love the most (you know who you are) were once addicts. They had the desire (and compassion of people in their life) to help them make a change. Those drama-free people are my friends. Some of the people I love the most have been challenging themselves to make minor changes in the way they communicate, the way they love, and the way they exist on this planet. Those people are my friends. The highest compliment I’ve ever received came from a friend in Georgia. She pointed out, “what I like about you [Jet] is that if you don’t like something about yourself, you make the effort to change.” That’s true. I was raised to consider, there’s got to be a better way.

Having one’s 💩 together isn’t a matter of being a perfect/normal human being. I mean, WTF does that mean anyway? To have one’s 💩 together means that you’re aware/daring enough to attempt change in your life and strong enough to ask for help. Strength is a choice and it’s a smart choice to balance hubris with humility.

I don’t claim to have a lot of friends, that’s never been a goal of mine. I do have quality friends and I appreciate all of them. None of my friends are homophobic, one-dimensional Brosephs, against interracial dating (even on a subconscious level), racially unaware, without the togetherness of their 💩, or general assholes. How do you choose your friends? Have you ever written out a manifesto (not to show potential friends-instead to keep in your thoughts)? In short, friendships should add quality to our lives, not stress. If there’s a lot of drama or combativeness in your life, look to your friends. If it’s not coming from them… Get YOUR 💩 together!

Keep your eyes bright for a special Thursday edition that will warn you against the fitness mistake that I see people make every damned year. Enjoy your days.

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Anger Management or What A Difference An Attitude Makes

Did I ever tell you the story about how I tried to kill my brother? I was in high school when my brother returned home from Operation: Desert Storm. He had changed and he was the tougher, angrier, (more) verbally abusive version of his former self. We were still happy to have him home and alive. The problem with having an older brother that had an axe to grind was the fact that I had my own short-fused temper. It was only a matter of time before there was conflict. One night, we were in the basement watching Arsenio Hall, Prince was performing that night. My brother had called me more insulting names than I care to remember during the course of that particular day. My cup was full and I had taken all I could take. As he sat in front of the TV, I stood between him and the kitchen. He jabbed a finger towards the kitchen as he commanded me to get him a knife so that he could cut his food. “Fuck you, get it yourself!” was my response as my chest heaved with frustrated breath. He walked past me and gave me a shoulder check into the pool table. I was furious! On his way back from the kitchen, with a knife in hand, he bumped me a second time and everything just kind of went hazy. When I could see straight again, his face was bleeding and I’d realized what I had done. Apparently, I lunged at his back and pushed him into the entertainment center. I wanted to kill him. I pushed hard enough in hopes that he would ram his head into the cement wall on the other side of the entertainment center. There was a loud crash! He turned around and discovered the blood dripping from his cheek. When I saw the blood, I came to my senses and all of the repercussions came into full view. I had drawn first blood on the mighty Marine home from the war. “Oh, shit!” I muttered as I took off in a sprint up the stairs and out of the front door. My brother gave chase and caught me half way down the block. He put me in a sleeper hold and I blacked out. I woke up covered in mud, snow, and a bit of his blood. I walked back into the house not longer after he had returned. My mom cleaned me off and explained to me the importance of keeping my temper in check. She was upstairs while the whole shit went down, but momma knows who started it and who escalated it. Mommas just know. While these weren’t her exact words, I remember her message being “Detroit isn’t the place to have that sort of temper! People have gotten killed for less.” I heard her message and that was the first time I recognized my anger as a problem.

Fast forward seven years, I had moved away from Detroit and was living in Atlanta when I made a formal proclamation and promise to myself to let go of my anger. My lover at the time was a therapist and she suggested a few books on anger management. I read the books and completed the self-help exercises at the end of each chapter. I decided to get control of my anger on my own. I was raised in a culture that viewed therapy as a sign of weakness. My mother didn’t believe that, she worked in a psychiatric hospital and taught me at a young age that some people need help and those are the people that need our compassion. Nevertheless, I didn’t view my anger issues as life-threatening. The danger that my anger issues posed were to make me into an asshole. I didn’t (and still don’t) want to be that guy. So, I put myself through anger management and made some changes in my life to make sure that I didn’t become a toxic person with nothing to contribute to society.

Over the last few years, I take it as the highest compliment when people (who know me) refer to me as “chill” or “calm”. I would not have earned such adjectives 15 years ago. Some people that don’t really know me still say things like, “You hate everything!” (Not so, I’m just unafraid to disagree and call something bullshit. I have opinions about stupid shit. Have you read my blog? Yes, I use the H-word too often. When people suggest that, I take it as a reminder to equally share my passionate opinions about things that I love.) Another phrase I hear is, “You’re intense.” (I’ll be that. But, what’s wrong with moving forward with purpose in the name of your passions, especially if I endeavor to do so without doing harm to others? Nothing. I’ve noticed that no other “intense” people ever call me intense. Only those that are the antithesis of intense give me such a label. If you’re that person, what are you saying about yourself? Do you want to be known as “bland”?) The phrase that I only hear from certain people is, “You’re intimidating!” (Am I intimidating you or could you be a racist? Truth bomb: 100% of the people that have ever called me intimidating have been white. I’ve heard people call me this for 20 years. Since I first bulked up from weightlifting. People that know me on a personal level never call me intimidating. My friends know that I’m a dork. People should hold themselves accountable for their own perceptions. I can respect, “I find you intimidating” much more than “YOU are intimidating.” If you could read my mind, you’d know that I’m not thinking about you as you cross the street to avoid me. Yes, that happens… in 2015.)

Back when I was on Facebook, stupid people would find themselves disappointed when I didn’t have the same attitude in real life as I did in my Facebook status updates. “You’re nothing like you are on Facebook!” No shit, dumb ass! Social media (and even this blog) is a small window into my life. Because of my aforementioned anger issues (and the great many more stories that are too lengthy for this post), I make it a point to keep a positive fucking attitude. My attitude makes all of the difference. I compare anger issues with addiction. Instead of narcotics or alcohol, my vice is anger and I make an effort on a daily basis to leave the house and face the world with the right mind and an attitude that will keep me on the path to my goals. A friend honored me by asking for my help with his efforts to control his anger. I’m not a therapist. But, I did give him some books (“The Four Agreements” by Don Miguel Ruiz, “The Power of Now” and “A New Earth” both by Eckhart Tolle) to read and four reminders that hopefully helped. Those reminders may also help anyone reading this post with anger issues.

1.) Your ego, and the need to be right, drives the majority of conflict. The argument is over and you think of the perfect comeback to that one insult. But, the time has past. Does that sting a little bit? That’s your ego talking. Your ego wants to be fed a constant diet of “rightness”. Internal dialogue between your peace of mind and your ego should place your peace of mind in a dominant position. Suppress your ego and the need to be right. Dissolve the need to dominate conversations and perpetuate general fuckery. Be cool. Be calm.

2.) How does it affect you? Take out a sheet of paper and make three columns. Number the first column 1-5. Make a list of five things that other people do that annoy you. In the second column, list why it annoys you. In the third column, list how it changes your life. If it doesn’t change your life, don’t let it annoy you. Who gives a fuck how she’s dressed? Let it go! Let go of big anger by letting go of petty annoyances.

3.) Be prepared with a back up plan. Some argue that a back plan is planning to fail. Would you say that to a person with a second parachute? Of course not. Having a back up plan will keep you from having a reason to lose your temper. If you show up to perform to a piece of music and due to some error beyond your control the venue doesn’t have your music ready to play, having a backup plan (your music on a CD or on your phone) is a good idea. Do you have a backup plan if you get locked out of your car? Would it derail your entire day if that happened? Well, you might want to get that system in place. Being prepared for the unexpected may seem impossible. Listen to the mistakes that others make, learn from them and make sure that you have a backup for everything (within reason). Don’t turn backup plans into a source of anxiety. Sometimes you just can’t prepare for shit. But, if you are prepared it will keep you from losing your shit. Do you have an extra set of clothes in the trunk of your car? Do you have a $20/$50/$100 bill stashed somewhere in your shoe when you go for a run? If you don’t have your phone (because it gets stolen), you injure yourself, and you’re 12 miles from home, what are you going to do? Be pissed or get home with your backup plan?

4.) Move forward with purpose, deflecting drama and ridding your life of negative people. Allow your daily mantra to be, “keep it moving”. People will try to spread their personal drama around like a drunken frat boy that misses the urinal. Avoid it, move forward. (To those of you in customer service positions: If a customer makes polite small talk and asks how you are doing, don’t tell them things like, “My shift is almost over!” or anything to that effect. It’s like telling the customer that you’re unhappy in your job and that’s a fucking drag.) The next time you see people standing around talking shit, keep it moving. If you’re in such a conversation, ask yourself, “how is this adding value to my life?” If it isn’t, leave. Move forward with purpose. I’ll leave you with these two African proverbs about chatter.

“He who will chatter with you, will chatter of you.”
“A chattering bird builds no nest.”

Enjoy your happiness, friends! Real Talk: No one can take happiness away. Only you can give it away.