In the early 90’s, ABC had a show called ‘Homefront’ that took place circa WWII. I remember watching a scene that involved an older, father-figure, character telling a younger man to “grab your wife firmly around her waist the next morning and thank her for last night”. When I watched this episode I had only had sex a few times and I didn’t have a wife on whom I could try this form of gratitude. Nevertheless, it seemed like a good idea to me. I ran the hypothetical idea by a platonic female friend and she recoiled in horror. “You can’t say that! It will make her feel like a whore!” Wow! Those were strong words coming from an 11th-grader. But, I was young so I took one woman’s advice as the gospel.
You can bet your paycheck that no one has ever complained of being over appreciated. It’s just never happened. The sticking point of contention occurs with the delivery/expression of gratitude. This goes for all human interaction. Try slapping your lover on the ass and saying, “thanks, slut!”, after sex. Unless you’re in a role playing scene and have chosen not to break character, that may not be the ideal way to express gratitude.
FWIW: This post isn’t intended to tell you the correct way to speak to your lover. That’s left to the agreements that the 2+ of you have with each other. While there are certainly wrong ways to express gratitude I’ll try to avoid getting sidetracked with an abundance of ‘what not to do’ bullet points.
You’ll notice that I keep using the phrase “express gratitude” in reference to recreating the “thank you” scene from ‘Homefront’. That’s because some people, while grateful for the sentiment, hear the words thank you and feel as if it cheapens the experience. On the flip side, everyone expresses their gratitude in a different manner. How a person expresses gratitude often gets distilled down to their love language. If you (or your lover) are unaware of your love language, it’s a good idea to have a conversation about how you express yourself. (I’ve never read the book, nor am I endorsing it. But, you can at least recognize your patterns for expressing love.) If you’ve taken a new lover and they’re unaware that you express your appreciation through physical touch, they may just mislabel you as handsy. Despite the love language of you or your lover, most will recognize the expression of gratitude in the form of gestures. Some time ago I wrote a post that read: My lover told me that I’m the only man that’s ever made her breakfast. *sigh* Gentlemen, please step it up! That post received a huge response! In one of the comments, a friend mentioned that her BF had bought her flowers (a first) and made her dinner (another first) as a response to my call to action. He wanted to “step it up” and show her that he appreciated her. Comedian Nick Offerman (aka Ron Swanson) once joked about how much more sweet sweet loving men would receive from their wives if they were to make a birthday/anniversary/just because card by hand as opposed to buying something from a store. There’s some truth to that. Get in the habit of making things for your lover to express how you feel. It could be as simple as making a… phone call. Phone call! Who does that? What is this 2005? I know, I know. But, try it out. Try it out when you’re asking for that sweet sweet loving. Think it through. Would you rather receive a text message that reads, “wanna come over” or would you rather hear your lover on the line saying, “Do you want to spend some time together tonight?”
There is a marked absence of the word “please” in societal interactions. Listen to the way people speak to those that work behind a counter. You may hear lots of thank you notes in their responses. But, how often do you hear please in their requests? I’ve worked behind enough counters/bars to know that it ain’t often. Of course, I’m not suggesting that you call up your lover and go on some 90’s R&B-inspired monologue requesting, “may I please make love to you?” That just sounds… hilarious. There are other ways to say please without using the word. Just ask nicely and don’t assume that sex will happen. I’ve had conversations in the past that yielded the following response, “I’d love to see you. But, you should know that we can’t have sex tonight because reasons.” I would immediately respond with an emphatic “thank you for being upfront about that!” This post is really just about kind communication from all sides. As the moment draws near, you could make your request by taking a cue from Barry White. This is an actual quote from his song ‘Staying Power’, “Tease me with your emotion. Soon we’ll share nature’s body lotion.” (Use that one with a straight face and I’ll send you $100,000… in Monopoly money. I’ll make it $200,000 if your lover doesn’t walk out.)
After all is said and done*, be careful not to say thank you too soon lest your lover think that you’re about to leave. If it’s that time during the sexy rumpus when you get up to get some water, juice, more condoms, a fresh towel, etc. that may be too soon to say “thank you”. Are you going somewhere? Your lover may wonder.
*-Done should not be defined by an orgasm (for either of you). Keep going until someone taps out.
Gentlemen, still at a loss for words as to how you can say thank you? Here are a few phrases that you can edit to make your own.
-“I’m glad that you came… to see me.”
-“Thank you for making the time, I know that you’ve been busy with reasons.”
-“Goddamn!” *high five* [You can get up and dance from the excitement. Have some fun!]
As I mentioned, expressions of gratitude for sweet sweet loving should be happening between any and all genders. Nevertheless, Gentlemen, we can take a lesson from the airlines when we express gratitude to women for their company. “We know that you have many choices for penis travel and we’re glad that you chose us.”
In all seriousness, my personal definition of work ethic is to never make my employer regret their decision to hire me. That same work ethic applies to making sweeeet love. If she’s made a decision to be with me, I don’t want her to regret it during or after. That’s why I express my gratitude.